Going Back To Tally

Got back in the 850 yesterday and the ride back was exciting. I think the older girl is really warming up to me. My favorite part was when we stopped at some hick gas station off of I-10 and I bought some really cheap dip. The best kind of dip buzz is a cheap dip buzz, I always say.

So now I am sitting on the toilet and I thought it would be a good time to write another blog post. I'm not really sure what to write this one about. Nothing has happened at school since I got back. Being back home wasn't too bad I guess. I got to hang out with my friends in Tampa, went to Ybor, got a cigar, dipped a lot, went to a couple parties. Overall it wasn't bad.

Just found out that the Great Bobby Bowden is finally retiring. It's kind of sad to see him go especially the way the season went this year, but hopefully everything will turn out okay. Its gonna be so weird without him though. I mean Christ Bowden is a fucking legend. I wasn't even that into college football until I came up here, but I love the guy. He is just a good ole' guy goll darnit. I mean if we had just caught some gall darn balls this season...

Bobby Bowden will be missed.

FSU VS. UF (F UF)

I'd like to start this post of by saying 1. Fuck the Gators and 2. Fuck Tim Tebow.

Look everyone knows that the Gators suck and on top of that Tim Tebow is probably the most annoying college football player of all time. I mean I'm watching the game right now and he just looks annoying. Every time they show a Gators game they have to interview Tebow, show random clips of Tebow, talk about Tebow like he is Jesus Christ, and show close ups of Tebow on the sidelines with his dumb-ass Bible verse eye black. What is it this week Tebow John 3:16. Christ. Plus every time he talks he says I truly this... I truly that. "I truly love my team mates." Yeah thats right because your probably fucking them in the locker room. If you didn't know Tebow is a closet homosexual.

Other than that all I have to say is brace yourselves Gators fans (which is pretty much every fuck in the state of Florida) because you are in for an ass raping. Seriously if this game was in Tallahassee not only would we win, but we would fucking destroy that city. It would fucking burn to the ground by the morning because it would be the greatest and biggest upset of all fucking time. I mean the only bigger upset would be when the Union won the civil war.

By the way not only is Christian Ponder basically God, but E.J. Manuel is possible even better and has way more potential. They are both better and way more humble than Tebow's gay ass. I mean Tebow tries to come off like he is a humble motherfucker, but in all honesty, if he really was a meek dude he wouldn't do and interview every ten seconds or totally whore himself off to the sports media. Ponder's stats are way better than Tebow's and he missed the last two games of the season. If it wasn't for Mickey Andrews and that fucking secondary the 2009 FSU football team would be the greatest college football team ever. They would be like the 101st Airborne division parachuting into France raping the Germans and saving the Jews.

Oh my God. Tracey Andrews even has #15 on her eye black. Not to mention ever fucking person in the shit swamp.

I seriously can't wait until Tebow is in the NFL. He is going to be playing for the worst team. Probably Tampa or the Browns or even worse the Lions. Maybe even Buffalo if they don't fuck themselves. Ha the Raiders. Either way he is gonna get his ass handed to him. Im envisioning 4-6 sacks a game and 3-4 interceptions the first season. He'll be playing second string for some garbage ass team by his second season.

Well we are down by ten, but I have faith. When we win I am going to burn a cardboard cut out of Tebow in the street.

Enjoy your loss Gators fans. Tebow can't save you anymore!

Who Am I?

If your expecting some look into my mind your sadly mistaken. No, I have decided to dedicate this post somewhat to myself and what I, and this blog are all about as well as my fans, which as of 1:18 AM on November 25, 2009 total zero.

I, however, have a feeling that is all going to change very soon. You see this blog has real potential. It can be a lot more than just me telling you the crazy anecdotal stories of my early college years. I hope that this blog can be a place of not only laughs, but perhaps knowledge. You see as the oldest I had no idea what to expect when I came to college, and if you are a freshmen or incoming freshmen to Florida State or any other University in this great nation you are probably experiencing some of the same anxieties I felt and still feel towards life on your own in a strange new place.

Don't get yourself down college is great, and I guarantee you will find a place to fit in. Still, there are some things you probably want to avoid and some things you definitely don't want to pass up. I hope this blog will give you some tips on what those things are. Granted, these are just my opinions, but if you are anything like me then you should find them useful.

Its hard to say when my new attitudes started to develop, but when I look back at where I am now I see a stream of events that led me to the mindset I am in as I type these words to you tonight from my darkened dorm.

In order to understand what I mean, I have to start at the beginning. The beginning, as it were, was about a year ago this month when I was still in high school just trying to get through my senior year. I guess you could say I was a well rounded student. I played a few sports during high school, a few clubs, and great grades, but something was always missing. I had good friends who I knew that I could count on, and I even had a good job. Nonetheless, my home life felt like it was weighing on me and I felt as though I could never escape. Pressure to get into college, pressure to keep my grades up, pressure to get involved, pressure from friends, too many things on my plate. I saw college as a way for me to escape. I had hoped to get into film school, but I didn't get accepted. Perhaps if I had, I wouldn't be telling you this now. Things have a way of sorting out, or so I thought. But a year ago I was also in the mist of a very odd relationship, the likes of which I still have yet to comprehend. Emotionally I would say that I was a mess, and on the heels of that break-up I began a slow, yet steady journey towards realization.

So many things were going right for me, yet so many things still felt wrong. I had been accepted to every major university in Florida. I had scholarships lined up, and my high school career was drawing to a close in an extravagant manor, but I did not have what a truly wanted. I had dreamed for so long of coming to Florida State to go to film school, but I was not accepted. To make things worse I had several arguments with friends and my parents that left me in an awkward position at home and in school. Luckily I had the refuge of the animal hospital. Even that sometimes wasn't enough.

My bad habits were getting the best of me be the end of my senior year, and several incidents made my home life even worse. Mistakes of a teenager who is just trying to fit in perhaps, but still mistakes.

So by the time I left for college I was absolutely ready to start a new life here, and that is exactly what I did.

There is more to this story. This is just the introduction. I'll tell you this much though, I'm leaving to go home for Thanksgiving tomorrow and I am not in the least bit excited. My parents inability to let go has led to their spying on me via text messages. I am not happy about this, but it does mean that they are aware of some not so flattering things. I have a feeling that I will be getting chewed out basically the entire duration of my stay. From a psychological standpoint I feel that the feelings of loathing and distrust from my parents and now even some close friends is taking its toll, and that is probably why I have begun looking for love in other places (i.e. the older girl). One thing is for sure, if self destruction is a dish best served cold, then I am a hot skillet.

Older Girls Like Younger Guys

So when I was pledging I had my first experience with an older woman. Granted this older woman was extremely intoxicated and probably not as hot or skinny as I thought at the time, but still she was a sophomore, and I, just a lowly virginal freshmen to be taken advantage of, or so she thought. I fucked her for about two hours in the back of her car in the parking lot across the street from the frat house. And she enjoyed it! I even almost came when we were smoking outside her car and she told me I was too pussy to fuck her on the hood of her car, so I did just to teach her a lesson.

But in all seriousness folks, I like girls. Older girls are so intriguing to me because they treat you like you are their younger brother and you no absolutely nothing about sex. Truth is, if the Pope was a sex god then I would be Jesus Christ. Either way if they think I can't handle them, then they are sadly mistaken.

So why I am I writing this anyway. Well I'm starring in a film on campus, and the girl that is playing one of the roles is super hot and totally treating me like her little brother or possibly son the entire time. Well I'm in this really needy place right now where I just want to be loved, and and older woman just seems right. Like a mother figure who also wants to have sex with me. But this girl is totally awesome, into crazy sex, is six years older than me, and has a fucking gun!

Its really hard to tell if a girl like this is into you or not because she could just be treating you like the little brother she always wanted, or worse son, or worse worse friend.

I basically don't have any friends who are girls unless I'm trying to get with them. So if you are reading this and you are a girl who thinks you are my friend, then I'm probably trying to get with you. Unless your name is Jackie, but that's different because she is asian, and I still do try to get with her sometimes mostly when I'm drunk.

Nevertheless, I just received a very interesting text message that basically invited me to take a ride home with this lovely older lady for thanksgiving, and I promptly accepted. So now I'm so excited I think my penis might explode, but this really doesn't mean anything. If I want to get anywhere with this I'm going to have to step up my game majorly. It really ins't a problem though because I have been listening to old Reagan speeches, and they have got me in a totally confident mood. Like Icarus right before his wings melted and he fell back to earth.

I know there is no possible way I could actually get with this girl, but as long as I keep thinking that I can and fantasizing about it I think I will feel more optimistic and probably just continue lying to myself about my chances until its totally clear that it could never happen.

Yet Another Unpredictable Saturday With Phil

I wake up. I’m still drunk. Stumble out of bed. Pan right. Where the hell am I? Not my room, and yet strangely familiar. I reach down. I am wearing no pants, a wife beater and a military style olive drab jacket. What the fuck was I thinking? I feel in my pocket. Pack of Camel Crush, when did I get that?
Phil’s room, that’s my location. Son of a bitch, what a whore last night. What a goddamn whore. That’s why I am here. The bitch fucking boked in my bed, and basically all over my fucking room. Oh wait a second, pop a cig in. Damn not being able to smoke inside, this is a fucking free country last time I checked. I mean seriously, fuck!
Anyway, so Phil entering my life has been awesome so far. Seriously his access to prescription speed is not even the reason.
I fucking hate Julia Roberts, by the way, and right now there is this really stupid and chinky movie called The Mexican on HBO and it has Julia Roberts in it and that’s not good.
Anyway Phil has been great. Just always having fun staying up all night, but honestly we aren’t gay or anything we just like making late night runs to get fast food, energy drink, beer, and sometimes even pussy. But seriously, Phil is the kind of guy who would fuck you in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give you a reach around.
So last night I was so wasted. Just really pissed off at this total bitch who was absolutely crossing the line when I was trying to get nice. So I basically told her to go fuck herself and ended up totally raging on the strip last night. I mean Christ, I think there was this really kick ass band that was like hardcore mix of rap or some kind of mash up bs. Either way it was raw as hell and I was totally head banging, and my neck feels like shit. Total sin dude, but seriously there was some fine ass in there last night.
I ended up rolling back to my place, and since the pussy hunt hadn’t really panned out, me and Eric decided to take more shots. Then Phil calls. He’s with some girl I can hear her laughing. It’s all really quite cliché. I mean who does that anyway. So he hasn’t been drinking at all, and I say why don’t you come over with her and try to get at her level so you wont feel so bad. Too bad home-girl took more shots with us. Mistake.
The rest of the night was basically Ashley trying to fuck Phil because she was hammered, me trying to fuck Ashley because I’m hammered, and Phil sober as hell just trying to, well I don’t even know what. Oh yeah and Ian was there too.
I’m sorry I was just trying to think of a catchy thing I had thought of last night to describe everything, but I couldn’t remember it and I just thought of a better one. “Never do sober what you couldn’t do drunk.” Abe Lincoln said that in 1862 at the height of the Civil War. Not a lot of people know that Lincoln was a raging alcoholic, but really its not hard to believe. But hell, the North still won so I guess the guy on the heads of a penny was right. Oh and the five dollar bill to, but its hard for me to say that because I feel like I am disgracing him every time I use a five to do a line of blow, and that works in more than one way. (I’m pulling a Phil here, but just let me explain that. The illicit drug thing is obvious because people assume that Abe wouldn’t condone, but on the flip side if he did condone, but was also a raging alcoholic then coke would not be his drug of choice.)
Okay so at one point we basically gave up on Ashley and just told her to sleep in my bed. Maybe my bed just smelled like shit, but seriously the girl was in that bed for about 30 seconds before she fucking baffed everywhere. So the bitch was throwing up for like ten minutes, Phil is spacing out, I am dancing really provocatively to “Only You,” home girl is throwing up, Phil is laughing, I am laughing, home girl is boffing, Ian is gaming, and did I mention that Ashley threw up. So somehow we end up in the hall. I was kissing her she was kissing me. Covered in boff, I mean goddamn. Then Phil came and got us, and Ashley must have like fucking abducted herself or something, because she had fucking bocked in the shower while I was outside.
Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do. Fuck USPS. And FUCK Obama. Anf FUCK Phillip Morris you fucking American Tobacco cocksuckers.
So somehow we ended up back at Southgate, and I was trying to take the edge off with some tobacco and Ashley was really stressing me out so I just started saying things like, “hey you’re a slut,” “How much blow did you do tonight,” and “Hey will you let me and Phil run a train on you?” I don’t know what I was thinking.
She is back in the room laying out. Suddenly she just freaks and runs out the door. I didn’t even know she left, and we never saw her again. Hopefully she turned out okay, but its not like alcohol is that dangerous anyway.
I slept in Garrett’s bed last night. Don’t worry Garrett wasn’t there (Sorry Garrett). It was a little weird, but I got used to it. At least it wasn’t full of boke. But now its almost two o’clock and Phil is still sleeping and my room probably smells like shit and Ian is probably pissed, but its cool because I still got a really big penis.