I Love FSU

Finals

Woah okay so finals week is over and wtf. Look I'm the kind of guy that typically doesn't study, but hey its college so I'll give it a chance. Forty-eight hours later and I'm thinking it wasn't such a good idea. I got all my shit done though. One final paper, one essay, three exams, and its not so bad.
Okay so here is a quick tip. Study aids are great, especially the prescription kind. I tried something new this time around. Not a lot of people know that the commonly found over-the-counter headache medicine Excedrin has a decent amount of caffeine and other stimulating substances in it. So a couple nights ago I took about five while I was studying. Mistake. Not a mistake in that I couldn't study, because I definitely could! But a mistake because I was probably close to having a hard attack, and when I went to the test at 7:30 AM I was totally tweaking out. Still, I feel great about the test, and staying up all night wasn't a bad idea either because some chick posted the answers to the study guide online at about 5 AM and I totally wouldn't have gotten all the answers if I hadn't of been up. Check mate.
Other than that though, you can usually get someone to hook you up with some prescription shit for ADD or ADHD. Now this is powerful shit and very effective for those of us who don't actually suffer from those dreadful ailments. However, I do not condone any of it. LOL.
So I got home yesterday (to Tampa) and totally crashed for about sixteen hours. Wake up and I got a call from a young lady still back in Tally telling me to "stop by" and "say goodbye" before I leave. Problem... I'm already home. Fuck! This totally sounds like one of those come-by-my-room-and-fuck-me-one-time-before-I-don't-see-you-for-a-month kinda deals. So once again I miss out on some prime time pussy. Typical. But now I'm home ready to fuck shit up as usual. I'm already missing FLorida State though. It's gonna be a long month away from Tally. Hopefully I'll have some fun down here. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Good luck to those of you who have exams on Friday. As for me I'll be getting up real early to get my fish on.
Peace!

Tim Tebow Cries! Again!

A satisfying hung over day, not yet over. So I woke up, went down to the laundry room to wash my poptart stained sheets. That took longer than was expected because I really thought I was going to boke at any time. To make things worse, there was these really annoying Jewish chicks making Ladkas in the kitchen next to my room. That shit smelled fucking unbearable.
Okay so after all that trauma I finally finished my sheets and promptly returned to bed. Then I hear that Alabama was teaching Tebow a lesson about being gay and trying to play football. Lesson: It just doesn't work. God probably one of the best things I have seen in a while was when they showed Tim crying on the sidelines at the end of the game, and then they immediately cut to a shot of some Alabama players doing the gator chomp. I almost cried myself, I was laughing so hard.
Tim Tebow reminds me of those kids in high school who take sports way to seriously and then cry after the coach takes them out of the game. GD, Tim Tebow=Pussy. I mean I really can't stress this enough. Anyway, even though this upset wasn't that big, it was still very satifying. Tebow loses his last college game. Unfortunately this means that I will have to watch ESPN cover his gay ass for the next week. They will probably show him more because they lost. Damn it! Leave me alone Tebow!
I went to the diner earlier, like I always do. Several coffes, two pancakes, eggs, sausage, bacon, and two french toasts later, I was rolling out of there. Why mention this at all? Well because there was this really good looking redhead in there who looked just like Amy Adams. I love redheads, and Amy Adams is like the hottest redhead ever. She is a freak too, and I love freaks, maybe even more than redheads. Unfortunately, if we had sex we probably wouldn't make it to the freaky stuff cuz I would blow within the first thirty seconds.

PopTart Monkeys

I'd like to proudly announce that last night was awesome! How do I know? Well I woke up this morning and it looks like I tried to eat a poptart, but didn't wan't to swallow it so I just chewed it and then spit it out all over myself. Yes, I was that drunk.
So last night I was looking for something to do. Just chilling on Facebook talking to people to see whats up. I see that Patrick is online so I'm all like, "whats good yo?"
He's all, "party you in?"
I'm like, "hells yeah."
We get a ride to this place and it takes like an hour cuz we get mad lost, but Kristina was a trooper and we pulled through to make it in just in time for me to take one shot from a drained ass bottom of rum. Not to worry, the night was very young (although it was already twelve). Very lucky for us the party was not dry yet. Hit up the keg in the other room and started getting nice. We ran into Alex and Crystal, they were both being awesome. No disrespect to my last blog, but I think I said something dumb because Alex slapped me.
These chicks were doing keg stands. One girl blew my mind when she did one for 42 seconds. I guess I didn't get the memo that the party was Hawaiian themed. I watched as some kid chased these girls around the back yard like a drunk mothafucka, on like the coldest night of the year wearing like a tee shirt. It was great homeboy just falling, and doing that cartoon shit where your legs are running but you aren't actually moving.
We were starting to get pretty buzzed, but Kristina wanted to go so we left, and on the way back to campus me and Pat laid down some sick freestyle in the backseat. Me doing lil' Wayne like a BAMF.
I guess I asked Kristina to drop me off at this hotel downtown because I knew the DJ and I thought the 24 year old was going to be there. Unfortunately, when me and Pat got in there the DJ had already left, and the party was basically over. We thought about trying to get served at the bar, but didn't feel that confident. We did use their bathroom before we left, and I started drunk texting the older girl and the girl from Facebook.
We were walking back to campus when we saw the cops outside of Kappa Sig. They were having a huge Christmas party, and what sounded like a live band. Intriguing! We wandered around the house until we found a place where we could jump the fence. Got in. Went to the bar. Got drinks, tipped a dollar, got shots, got drunk! Then we went to the keg, and got more beer. I can't believe I didn't baff last night. So the band was awesome. Or I think they were awesome. Either way we capped the night off by getting up on stage we them and holding our drinks up real high when they covered "I Love College."
Oh man when they finally finished playing we were decently gone. I was making eyes at basically every girl in there. Telling the older girl that I would have a drink for her. Got another beer for some reason. Then we heard some brothers say, "You know what I hate? Kids that aren't Kappa Sig." Needless to say we got the fuck out of there.
Got back to my room, and I guess I thought that I needed a poptart. Whatever, good night!
Wait.... I figured out why I got a Poptart. When I was thinking of a title for this post I remember the name of the band last night. Poptart Monkeys! That explains my drunken logic.

Long Lost Love

One night early in the semester I saw a girl that I imediately fell for. She was the perfect girl for me. Cute, smart, kinda crazy. Perfect. One problem: bf a.k.a. bffl a.k.a. wtf this is college. So we got pretty nice pregaming, and I was acting a fool because I liked this girl. So I said some dumb shit that I didn't even remember the next day. Getting even more mad wasted later on that night, and saying thing like, "your boyfriend sounds like a tool." Fuck!
So after that homegirl basically didn't talk to me again for at least a couple months. Broke up with the bf, but I was already out as far as that goes. So now looking back, I'm mad I missed opportunities, but what opportunity was it anyway. I mean I had just met this girl that night, and I blew it right then and there. Eh, whatever though. If your going to be keeping the college life real than you got to be real. When you get drunk don't say dumb stuff. That is the lesson here. Nevertheless, I garantee I will still say some shit next time I do. Whatever, that just how it goes.
Waltz anyone?

Fat Chicks: The Pros and Cons

Okay so here is a lesson that you will probably learn early on in college. FSU has a lot to offer, and if there is one good thing it is the amount of hot chicks on campus. Everyday when I walk around or even just take a peak out onto Landis Green there are so many. For this reason, any self respecting guy should never have to resort to hooking up with a fat chick. I learned a long time ago the ways of the fat chick, and believe me they are a sly breed.
With 60% of the student population being female you are bound to run into one every once in a while. A lot of guys think hey she's being nice, so I'll be nice back. This gentlemen is a mistake. Never fall for the just being nice angle, you will always get fucked. An important thing to remember is to never get too drunk at a party where there is a fat chick because you may do something you regret. Fat chicks purposly go on the prowl at parties looking for the guy who looks like he might be getting a little too drunk, and then when the moment is right, they pounce. Don't be that guy fellas.
If you have good friends then they will look out for you, but don't depend on it. Keep your eyes peeled because the Fat Chick is out there and she is waiting. Be sure to set some ground rules ahead of time with your bros so they will know what to look for. Tell them that under no circumstances should you be involved with any fat chicks. Tell them that even if you are locked in a room and the fat chick has you naked and is totally taking advantage of your drunken ass, you do not want it. Even if you look like you do, even if you beg them not to. Your friends will know what to do.
I once heard a story about a fat chick that had a guy locked in a room, completely wasted, completely naked, basically raping him, and his friends were still able to rescue him. Those bastards went above and beyond the call of duty to rescue their friend. They banged on the locked door nearly breaking it down (breaking down a door is worth it if it means saving your friend). Finally, they broke a window and burst into the room, pulled the kids naked ass out of the bed and carried him to safety. It is worth it fellas. Fucking worth it.
Okay so here are some more things to remember. Fat chicks like to spread rumors about themselves. One of the biggest rumors is that fat chicks give great head. Well I'm sorry to have to admit this, but I feel its nessesary so that it wont happen again. I know from experience that this is not true. Fat chicks really don't give great head. I'm quoting the late great College Life here, but the truth is that fat chicks started this rumor because they need some leverage. They're fat, they need it. I mean you can't really blame them. Still, that doesn't mean you have to fall for it. Don't be another victim.
To sum it all up, there really aren't any pros, and the cons are too long to list so just remember to steer clear of THE FAT CHICK.

On the REG

Hello all. I'd like to take a few moments to talk about how awesome I am. Yes this may seem selfish, but face it, my life is just more interesting than yours. When I walk around campus people say things like, "Wow, why didn't he go to Harvard, cuz he looks THAT GOOD," and, "Since when did John Jr. come back to life and start going to FSU."
But seriously, I'm into myself. Narcissistic? Absolutely. But I am cool with that because I am just that good. Its not easy to do what I do. I mean always looking fly. Turning seemingly embarrassing situations into situations that make me look even cooler. You gotta be on the ball all the time. Don't get me wrong, loving myself is not what I'm all about, but it is a big part.
I think the only way to describe how I do, is to quote Kenny Powers (the greatest athlete of our time), "Get money on the reg, smoke weed on the reg, get pussy on the reg, look fly on the reg, etc etc." It's all about doing things on the reg. If someone asks you if you party you don't say, "yeah man I party sometimes." You say, "Fuck yeah! I do that shit on the reg!" That's why I am so popular, cool, and awesome because I do things on the reg.

BGO: A Serious Condition

Got a call from my agent today. Another book deal through the tubes. Plus the weather is great in Tally. Just raining everyday, cold, sopping wet in class. Just totally fun. I got a B+ on my math test today then I got back to my dorm a crashed hard and forgot to finish my math homework. Woke up at 8:30, a half an hour too late to submit it online. Fuck. Well this isn't all bad. I've got a mound of busy work to finish over the next couple days, but some very interesting things have started happening.

1. Last night I was messaged by a girl that I had seemingly never met. She told me I was cute and we hit it off. She is H-O double T hott, and I plan on hanging out with her later this week. Maybe more....
2. Girls have started coming out of the woodwork since this blog started blowing up. I'm not sure what to do. This is really getting out of hand. I woke up last night and there was a girl standing next to my bed just starring at me. I looked down and my underwear had been removed. I looked back up and she was holding them. I was frightened.

Right now I might be facing a serious problem. Something known only as BGO or Baby Girl Overload. This syndrome occurs when a guy has more girls than he can handle and then ends up fucking things up with all of them. BGO is a dangerous phenomenon, and can really make you feel like shit. Sometimes BGO catches you off gaurd, I think that is what is happening right now. I mean two days ago I was basically a fucking unich, and now I'm like Jesus, fucking all the Marys and doing keg stands with demons and shit. The difference is Jesus could handle that shit, and I am a mere mortal. One time I had a bad case of BGO and I wasn't able to cure it in time. If that happens you are looking at something I like to call BGW or Baby Girl Withdrawals. This is a dangerous phase because it can be accompanied by a serious depression. In my case, though, my penis usually just explodes.

Red Beard: The Boy With the Burning Beard

How drunk is too drunk? Let me tell you!

1. On the second night you're on campus you get so wasted that I have to fireman carry you up five flights of stairs to get your drunk ass back to your room.
2. You are too drunk to remember that you have acid reflux, so you shotgun a Mountain Dew and end up boking in my bed.
3. You get lost on campus and call me to come find you. Then after I have gone out of my way to get you, you slam the door in my face and fuck my pledge brother again!
4. You wake up the morning after and your room smells like shit.
5. You wake up the morning after and your dick is colored red, and you have a thong drawn on your ass.
6. You wake up and you are sleeping in your suite-mates bed.
7. Someone asks if you have ever lit your beard on fire and you say, "No, but do you want to try." (Seriously Patrick's beard being lit on fire was possibly the greatest thing I have ever seen.)

Well thats a couple signs that you may be too drunk. In all seriousness though, if your that drunk you won't remember it anyway. So have fun!

Sometimes My Life Sucks

So far my time in college has been marked by some pretty crazy shit. Yes college is a lot of fun, but alas not for everyone. Yesterday, my friend told me he is dropping out after one semester and he has already enlisted in the infantry. He will be on the front lines in Afghanistan sometime in 2010. I hope he kicks a lot of ass over there. Still, that is not the point of this entry. No, a lot of people come to college and think, "hey I'll study maybe get my balls licked on the weekends, and it'll be great." Well my friends, this is not at all the case. Who would have thought that getting with girls in college actually takes work.

Today I found out that the older girl said, "I would get with him (me) maybe if I was drunk and on like a million drugs." Hmm, that gives me an idea. No, but seriously this setback is just that, a setback. Now while I do not plan on giving her drugs or alcohol in order to get with her, I do still plan on getting with her. It will not be easy, but I am the kind of guy that likes a challenge. So now I'm listening to Eric Clapton's Have You Ever Loved a Woman and I am asking myself that exact question.

I was actually thinking about this sometime earlier today, and again at the Chinese buffet tonight. I think I did love a girl once, but she broke my young heart. I think you know that you love someone when you do dumb things, and feel like you can open yourself up to them. Loving someone is tough especially when they don't love you back. I opened myself to this girl, and she left me because she didn't feel the same way. Ever since then I have been very hesitant to go down that road again. Now my journey with the opposite sex is marked by one thing: sex. Seems like girls these days aren't looking for a good loving guy anymore. Especially on a college campus they are just looking to have a good time. Don't get me wrong I am too. Maybe its just this cold weather, but every year around this time I get the feeling that I am missing something. It seems to me that that something that is missing is a woman who loves me. Thats something right?

I don't know. I know I love to have sex, and maybe thats all there is anymore. I just need a hand to hold onto every once in a while. It's kind of depressing. Ah this is becoming a depressing blog. Fuck!

Okay well I'll spice this post up a little bit if you haven't already stopped reading. So I'll tell you a story. One night I was DDing for the fraternity, and I was stopping by the house in between rides just to see how everything was going. A couple girls I know had hit me up to see if there was a party at the house that night, and of course there was. One of these girls I had been trying to get with for a while, and she ended up going upstair s and getting massively drunk. Every time I came back to the house she would say things like, "Come and play with me. Why won't you play with me?" In the kind of voice that is basically begging me to fuck her. Unfortunately, the brothers came first and as I continued driving, I continued to miss out. By the time I got back homegirl was wasted, and while I was parking the car I saw her walking out of the house arm in arm with one of my pledge brothers. I thought to myself, "FUCK ME." I knew exactly what was going to happen, and sure enough the next day I found out that I was right.

Homegirl had fucked my pledge brother, and it could have been me...

Damn it this story was depressing too. Maybe it wouldn't been so depressing if I had ended up pounding her, but that wasn't what ended up happening. Damn sometimes my life sucks. I can't remember, but I probably ended up masturbating that night so I guess thats half as good.