I Love FSU

Finals

Woah okay so finals week is over and wtf. Look I'm the kind of guy that typically doesn't study, but hey its college so I'll give it a chance. Forty-eight hours later and I'm thinking it wasn't such a good idea. I got all my shit done though. One final paper, one essay, three exams, and its not so bad.
Okay so here is a quick tip. Study aids are great, especially the prescription kind. I tried something new this time around. Not a lot of people know that the commonly found over-the-counter headache medicine Excedrin has a decent amount of caffeine and other stimulating substances in it. So a couple nights ago I took about five while I was studying. Mistake. Not a mistake in that I couldn't study, because I definitely could! But a mistake because I was probably close to having a hard attack, and when I went to the test at 7:30 AM I was totally tweaking out. Still, I feel great about the test, and staying up all night wasn't a bad idea either because some chick posted the answers to the study guide online at about 5 AM and I totally wouldn't have gotten all the answers if I hadn't of been up. Check mate.
Other than that though, you can usually get someone to hook you up with some prescription shit for ADD or ADHD. Now this is powerful shit and very effective for those of us who don't actually suffer from those dreadful ailments. However, I do not condone any of it. LOL.
So I got home yesterday (to Tampa) and totally crashed for about sixteen hours. Wake up and I got a call from a young lady still back in Tally telling me to "stop by" and "say goodbye" before I leave. Problem... I'm already home. Fuck! This totally sounds like one of those come-by-my-room-and-fuck-me-one-time-before-I-don't-see-you-for-a-month kinda deals. So once again I miss out on some prime time pussy. Typical. But now I'm home ready to fuck shit up as usual. I'm already missing FLorida State though. It's gonna be a long month away from Tally. Hopefully I'll have some fun down here. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Good luck to those of you who have exams on Friday. As for me I'll be getting up real early to get my fish on.
Peace!

Tim Tebow Cries! Again!

A satisfying hung over day, not yet over. So I woke up, went down to the laundry room to wash my poptart stained sheets. That took longer than was expected because I really thought I was going to boke at any time. To make things worse, there was these really annoying Jewish chicks making Ladkas in the kitchen next to my room. That shit smelled fucking unbearable.
Okay so after all that trauma I finally finished my sheets and promptly returned to bed. Then I hear that Alabama was teaching Tebow a lesson about being gay and trying to play football. Lesson: It just doesn't work. God probably one of the best things I have seen in a while was when they showed Tim crying on the sidelines at the end of the game, and then they immediately cut to a shot of some Alabama players doing the gator chomp. I almost cried myself, I was laughing so hard.
Tim Tebow reminds me of those kids in high school who take sports way to seriously and then cry after the coach takes them out of the game. GD, Tim Tebow=Pussy. I mean I really can't stress this enough. Anyway, even though this upset wasn't that big, it was still very satifying. Tebow loses his last college game. Unfortunately this means that I will have to watch ESPN cover his gay ass for the next week. They will probably show him more because they lost. Damn it! Leave me alone Tebow!
I went to the diner earlier, like I always do. Several coffes, two pancakes, eggs, sausage, bacon, and two french toasts later, I was rolling out of there. Why mention this at all? Well because there was this really good looking redhead in there who looked just like Amy Adams. I love redheads, and Amy Adams is like the hottest redhead ever. She is a freak too, and I love freaks, maybe even more than redheads. Unfortunately, if we had sex we probably wouldn't make it to the freaky stuff cuz I would blow within the first thirty seconds.

PopTart Monkeys

I'd like to proudly announce that last night was awesome! How do I know? Well I woke up this morning and it looks like I tried to eat a poptart, but didn't wan't to swallow it so I just chewed it and then spit it out all over myself. Yes, I was that drunk.
So last night I was looking for something to do. Just chilling on Facebook talking to people to see whats up. I see that Patrick is online so I'm all like, "whats good yo?"
He's all, "party you in?"
I'm like, "hells yeah."
We get a ride to this place and it takes like an hour cuz we get mad lost, but Kristina was a trooper and we pulled through to make it in just in time for me to take one shot from a drained ass bottom of rum. Not to worry, the night was very young (although it was already twelve). Very lucky for us the party was not dry yet. Hit up the keg in the other room and started getting nice. We ran into Alex and Crystal, they were both being awesome. No disrespect to my last blog, but I think I said something dumb because Alex slapped me.
These chicks were doing keg stands. One girl blew my mind when she did one for 42 seconds. I guess I didn't get the memo that the party was Hawaiian themed. I watched as some kid chased these girls around the back yard like a drunk mothafucka, on like the coldest night of the year wearing like a tee shirt. It was great homeboy just falling, and doing that cartoon shit where your legs are running but you aren't actually moving.
We were starting to get pretty buzzed, but Kristina wanted to go so we left, and on the way back to campus me and Pat laid down some sick freestyle in the backseat. Me doing lil' Wayne like a BAMF.
I guess I asked Kristina to drop me off at this hotel downtown because I knew the DJ and I thought the 24 year old was going to be there. Unfortunately, when me and Pat got in there the DJ had already left, and the party was basically over. We thought about trying to get served at the bar, but didn't feel that confident. We did use their bathroom before we left, and I started drunk texting the older girl and the girl from Facebook.
We were walking back to campus when we saw the cops outside of Kappa Sig. They were having a huge Christmas party, and what sounded like a live band. Intriguing! We wandered around the house until we found a place where we could jump the fence. Got in. Went to the bar. Got drinks, tipped a dollar, got shots, got drunk! Then we went to the keg, and got more beer. I can't believe I didn't baff last night. So the band was awesome. Or I think they were awesome. Either way we capped the night off by getting up on stage we them and holding our drinks up real high when they covered "I Love College."
Oh man when they finally finished playing we were decently gone. I was making eyes at basically every girl in there. Telling the older girl that I would have a drink for her. Got another beer for some reason. Then we heard some brothers say, "You know what I hate? Kids that aren't Kappa Sig." Needless to say we got the fuck out of there.
Got back to my room, and I guess I thought that I needed a poptart. Whatever, good night!
Wait.... I figured out why I got a Poptart. When I was thinking of a title for this post I remember the name of the band last night. Poptart Monkeys! That explains my drunken logic.

Long Lost Love

One night early in the semester I saw a girl that I imediately fell for. She was the perfect girl for me. Cute, smart, kinda crazy. Perfect. One problem: bf a.k.a. bffl a.k.a. wtf this is college. So we got pretty nice pregaming, and I was acting a fool because I liked this girl. So I said some dumb shit that I didn't even remember the next day. Getting even more mad wasted later on that night, and saying thing like, "your boyfriend sounds like a tool." Fuck!
So after that homegirl basically didn't talk to me again for at least a couple months. Broke up with the bf, but I was already out as far as that goes. So now looking back, I'm mad I missed opportunities, but what opportunity was it anyway. I mean I had just met this girl that night, and I blew it right then and there. Eh, whatever though. If your going to be keeping the college life real than you got to be real. When you get drunk don't say dumb stuff. That is the lesson here. Nevertheless, I garantee I will still say some shit next time I do. Whatever, that just how it goes.
Waltz anyone?

Fat Chicks: The Pros and Cons

Okay so here is a lesson that you will probably learn early on in college. FSU has a lot to offer, and if there is one good thing it is the amount of hot chicks on campus. Everyday when I walk around or even just take a peak out onto Landis Green there are so many. For this reason, any self respecting guy should never have to resort to hooking up with a fat chick. I learned a long time ago the ways of the fat chick, and believe me they are a sly breed.
With 60% of the student population being female you are bound to run into one every once in a while. A lot of guys think hey she's being nice, so I'll be nice back. This gentlemen is a mistake. Never fall for the just being nice angle, you will always get fucked. An important thing to remember is to never get too drunk at a party where there is a fat chick because you may do something you regret. Fat chicks purposly go on the prowl at parties looking for the guy who looks like he might be getting a little too drunk, and then when the moment is right, they pounce. Don't be that guy fellas.
If you have good friends then they will look out for you, but don't depend on it. Keep your eyes peeled because the Fat Chick is out there and she is waiting. Be sure to set some ground rules ahead of time with your bros so they will know what to look for. Tell them that under no circumstances should you be involved with any fat chicks. Tell them that even if you are locked in a room and the fat chick has you naked and is totally taking advantage of your drunken ass, you do not want it. Even if you look like you do, even if you beg them not to. Your friends will know what to do.
I once heard a story about a fat chick that had a guy locked in a room, completely wasted, completely naked, basically raping him, and his friends were still able to rescue him. Those bastards went above and beyond the call of duty to rescue their friend. They banged on the locked door nearly breaking it down (breaking down a door is worth it if it means saving your friend). Finally, they broke a window and burst into the room, pulled the kids naked ass out of the bed and carried him to safety. It is worth it fellas. Fucking worth it.
Okay so here are some more things to remember. Fat chicks like to spread rumors about themselves. One of the biggest rumors is that fat chicks give great head. Well I'm sorry to have to admit this, but I feel its nessesary so that it wont happen again. I know from experience that this is not true. Fat chicks really don't give great head. I'm quoting the late great College Life here, but the truth is that fat chicks started this rumor because they need some leverage. They're fat, they need it. I mean you can't really blame them. Still, that doesn't mean you have to fall for it. Don't be another victim.
To sum it all up, there really aren't any pros, and the cons are too long to list so just remember to steer clear of THE FAT CHICK.

On the REG

Hello all. I'd like to take a few moments to talk about how awesome I am. Yes this may seem selfish, but face it, my life is just more interesting than yours. When I walk around campus people say things like, "Wow, why didn't he go to Harvard, cuz he looks THAT GOOD," and, "Since when did John Jr. come back to life and start going to FSU."
But seriously, I'm into myself. Narcissistic? Absolutely. But I am cool with that because I am just that good. Its not easy to do what I do. I mean always looking fly. Turning seemingly embarrassing situations into situations that make me look even cooler. You gotta be on the ball all the time. Don't get me wrong, loving myself is not what I'm all about, but it is a big part.
I think the only way to describe how I do, is to quote Kenny Powers (the greatest athlete of our time), "Get money on the reg, smoke weed on the reg, get pussy on the reg, look fly on the reg, etc etc." It's all about doing things on the reg. If someone asks you if you party you don't say, "yeah man I party sometimes." You say, "Fuck yeah! I do that shit on the reg!" That's why I am so popular, cool, and awesome because I do things on the reg.

BGO: A Serious Condition

Got a call from my agent today. Another book deal through the tubes. Plus the weather is great in Tally. Just raining everyday, cold, sopping wet in class. Just totally fun. I got a B+ on my math test today then I got back to my dorm a crashed hard and forgot to finish my math homework. Woke up at 8:30, a half an hour too late to submit it online. Fuck. Well this isn't all bad. I've got a mound of busy work to finish over the next couple days, but some very interesting things have started happening.

1. Last night I was messaged by a girl that I had seemingly never met. She told me I was cute and we hit it off. She is H-O double T hott, and I plan on hanging out with her later this week. Maybe more....
2. Girls have started coming out of the woodwork since this blog started blowing up. I'm not sure what to do. This is really getting out of hand. I woke up last night and there was a girl standing next to my bed just starring at me. I looked down and my underwear had been removed. I looked back up and she was holding them. I was frightened.

Right now I might be facing a serious problem. Something known only as BGO or Baby Girl Overload. This syndrome occurs when a guy has more girls than he can handle and then ends up fucking things up with all of them. BGO is a dangerous phenomenon, and can really make you feel like shit. Sometimes BGO catches you off gaurd, I think that is what is happening right now. I mean two days ago I was basically a fucking unich, and now I'm like Jesus, fucking all the Marys and doing keg stands with demons and shit. The difference is Jesus could handle that shit, and I am a mere mortal. One time I had a bad case of BGO and I wasn't able to cure it in time. If that happens you are looking at something I like to call BGW or Baby Girl Withdrawals. This is a dangerous phase because it can be accompanied by a serious depression. In my case, though, my penis usually just explodes.

Red Beard: The Boy With the Burning Beard

How drunk is too drunk? Let me tell you!

1. On the second night you're on campus you get so wasted that I have to fireman carry you up five flights of stairs to get your drunk ass back to your room.
2. You are too drunk to remember that you have acid reflux, so you shotgun a Mountain Dew and end up boking in my bed.
3. You get lost on campus and call me to come find you. Then after I have gone out of my way to get you, you slam the door in my face and fuck my pledge brother again!
4. You wake up the morning after and your room smells like shit.
5. You wake up the morning after and your dick is colored red, and you have a thong drawn on your ass.
6. You wake up and you are sleeping in your suite-mates bed.
7. Someone asks if you have ever lit your beard on fire and you say, "No, but do you want to try." (Seriously Patrick's beard being lit on fire was possibly the greatest thing I have ever seen.)

Well thats a couple signs that you may be too drunk. In all seriousness though, if your that drunk you won't remember it anyway. So have fun!

Sometimes My Life Sucks

So far my time in college has been marked by some pretty crazy shit. Yes college is a lot of fun, but alas not for everyone. Yesterday, my friend told me he is dropping out after one semester and he has already enlisted in the infantry. He will be on the front lines in Afghanistan sometime in 2010. I hope he kicks a lot of ass over there. Still, that is not the point of this entry. No, a lot of people come to college and think, "hey I'll study maybe get my balls licked on the weekends, and it'll be great." Well my friends, this is not at all the case. Who would have thought that getting with girls in college actually takes work.

Today I found out that the older girl said, "I would get with him (me) maybe if I was drunk and on like a million drugs." Hmm, that gives me an idea. No, but seriously this setback is just that, a setback. Now while I do not plan on giving her drugs or alcohol in order to get with her, I do still plan on getting with her. It will not be easy, but I am the kind of guy that likes a challenge. So now I'm listening to Eric Clapton's Have You Ever Loved a Woman and I am asking myself that exact question.

I was actually thinking about this sometime earlier today, and again at the Chinese buffet tonight. I think I did love a girl once, but she broke my young heart. I think you know that you love someone when you do dumb things, and feel like you can open yourself up to them. Loving someone is tough especially when they don't love you back. I opened myself to this girl, and she left me because she didn't feel the same way. Ever since then I have been very hesitant to go down that road again. Now my journey with the opposite sex is marked by one thing: sex. Seems like girls these days aren't looking for a good loving guy anymore. Especially on a college campus they are just looking to have a good time. Don't get me wrong I am too. Maybe its just this cold weather, but every year around this time I get the feeling that I am missing something. It seems to me that that something that is missing is a woman who loves me. Thats something right?

I don't know. I know I love to have sex, and maybe thats all there is anymore. I just need a hand to hold onto every once in a while. It's kind of depressing. Ah this is becoming a depressing blog. Fuck!

Okay well I'll spice this post up a little bit if you haven't already stopped reading. So I'll tell you a story. One night I was DDing for the fraternity, and I was stopping by the house in between rides just to see how everything was going. A couple girls I know had hit me up to see if there was a party at the house that night, and of course there was. One of these girls I had been trying to get with for a while, and she ended up going upstair s and getting massively drunk. Every time I came back to the house she would say things like, "Come and play with me. Why won't you play with me?" In the kind of voice that is basically begging me to fuck her. Unfortunately, the brothers came first and as I continued driving, I continued to miss out. By the time I got back homegirl was wasted, and while I was parking the car I saw her walking out of the house arm in arm with one of my pledge brothers. I thought to myself, "FUCK ME." I knew exactly what was going to happen, and sure enough the next day I found out that I was right.

Homegirl had fucked my pledge brother, and it could have been me...

Damn it this story was depressing too. Maybe it wouldn't been so depressing if I had ended up pounding her, but that wasn't what ended up happening. Damn sometimes my life sucks. I can't remember, but I probably ended up masturbating that night so I guess thats half as good.

Going Back To Tally

Got back in the 850 yesterday and the ride back was exciting. I think the older girl is really warming up to me. My favorite part was when we stopped at some hick gas station off of I-10 and I bought some really cheap dip. The best kind of dip buzz is a cheap dip buzz, I always say.

So now I am sitting on the toilet and I thought it would be a good time to write another blog post. I'm not really sure what to write this one about. Nothing has happened at school since I got back. Being back home wasn't too bad I guess. I got to hang out with my friends in Tampa, went to Ybor, got a cigar, dipped a lot, went to a couple parties. Overall it wasn't bad.

Just found out that the Great Bobby Bowden is finally retiring. It's kind of sad to see him go especially the way the season went this year, but hopefully everything will turn out okay. Its gonna be so weird without him though. I mean Christ Bowden is a fucking legend. I wasn't even that into college football until I came up here, but I love the guy. He is just a good ole' guy goll darnit. I mean if we had just caught some gall darn balls this season...

Bobby Bowden will be missed.

FSU VS. UF (F UF)

I'd like to start this post of by saying 1. Fuck the Gators and 2. Fuck Tim Tebow.

Look everyone knows that the Gators suck and on top of that Tim Tebow is probably the most annoying college football player of all time. I mean I'm watching the game right now and he just looks annoying. Every time they show a Gators game they have to interview Tebow, show random clips of Tebow, talk about Tebow like he is Jesus Christ, and show close ups of Tebow on the sidelines with his dumb-ass Bible verse eye black. What is it this week Tebow John 3:16. Christ. Plus every time he talks he says I truly this... I truly that. "I truly love my team mates." Yeah thats right because your probably fucking them in the locker room. If you didn't know Tebow is a closet homosexual.

Other than that all I have to say is brace yourselves Gators fans (which is pretty much every fuck in the state of Florida) because you are in for an ass raping. Seriously if this game was in Tallahassee not only would we win, but we would fucking destroy that city. It would fucking burn to the ground by the morning because it would be the greatest and biggest upset of all fucking time. I mean the only bigger upset would be when the Union won the civil war.

By the way not only is Christian Ponder basically God, but E.J. Manuel is possible even better and has way more potential. They are both better and way more humble than Tebow's gay ass. I mean Tebow tries to come off like he is a humble motherfucker, but in all honesty, if he really was a meek dude he wouldn't do and interview every ten seconds or totally whore himself off to the sports media. Ponder's stats are way better than Tebow's and he missed the last two games of the season. If it wasn't for Mickey Andrews and that fucking secondary the 2009 FSU football team would be the greatest college football team ever. They would be like the 101st Airborne division parachuting into France raping the Germans and saving the Jews.

Oh my God. Tracey Andrews even has #15 on her eye black. Not to mention ever fucking person in the shit swamp.

I seriously can't wait until Tebow is in the NFL. He is going to be playing for the worst team. Probably Tampa or the Browns or even worse the Lions. Maybe even Buffalo if they don't fuck themselves. Ha the Raiders. Either way he is gonna get his ass handed to him. Im envisioning 4-6 sacks a game and 3-4 interceptions the first season. He'll be playing second string for some garbage ass team by his second season.

Well we are down by ten, but I have faith. When we win I am going to burn a cardboard cut out of Tebow in the street.

Enjoy your loss Gators fans. Tebow can't save you anymore!

Who Am I?

If your expecting some look into my mind your sadly mistaken. No, I have decided to dedicate this post somewhat to myself and what I, and this blog are all about as well as my fans, which as of 1:18 AM on November 25, 2009 total zero.

I, however, have a feeling that is all going to change very soon. You see this blog has real potential. It can be a lot more than just me telling you the crazy anecdotal stories of my early college years. I hope that this blog can be a place of not only laughs, but perhaps knowledge. You see as the oldest I had no idea what to expect when I came to college, and if you are a freshmen or incoming freshmen to Florida State or any other University in this great nation you are probably experiencing some of the same anxieties I felt and still feel towards life on your own in a strange new place.

Don't get yourself down college is great, and I guarantee you will find a place to fit in. Still, there are some things you probably want to avoid and some things you definitely don't want to pass up. I hope this blog will give you some tips on what those things are. Granted, these are just my opinions, but if you are anything like me then you should find them useful.

Its hard to say when my new attitudes started to develop, but when I look back at where I am now I see a stream of events that led me to the mindset I am in as I type these words to you tonight from my darkened dorm.

In order to understand what I mean, I have to start at the beginning. The beginning, as it were, was about a year ago this month when I was still in high school just trying to get through my senior year. I guess you could say I was a well rounded student. I played a few sports during high school, a few clubs, and great grades, but something was always missing. I had good friends who I knew that I could count on, and I even had a good job. Nonetheless, my home life felt like it was weighing on me and I felt as though I could never escape. Pressure to get into college, pressure to keep my grades up, pressure to get involved, pressure from friends, too many things on my plate. I saw college as a way for me to escape. I had hoped to get into film school, but I didn't get accepted. Perhaps if I had, I wouldn't be telling you this now. Things have a way of sorting out, or so I thought. But a year ago I was also in the mist of a very odd relationship, the likes of which I still have yet to comprehend. Emotionally I would say that I was a mess, and on the heels of that break-up I began a slow, yet steady journey towards realization.

So many things were going right for me, yet so many things still felt wrong. I had been accepted to every major university in Florida. I had scholarships lined up, and my high school career was drawing to a close in an extravagant manor, but I did not have what a truly wanted. I had dreamed for so long of coming to Florida State to go to film school, but I was not accepted. To make things worse I had several arguments with friends and my parents that left me in an awkward position at home and in school. Luckily I had the refuge of the animal hospital. Even that sometimes wasn't enough.

My bad habits were getting the best of me be the end of my senior year, and several incidents made my home life even worse. Mistakes of a teenager who is just trying to fit in perhaps, but still mistakes.

So by the time I left for college I was absolutely ready to start a new life here, and that is exactly what I did.

There is more to this story. This is just the introduction. I'll tell you this much though, I'm leaving to go home for Thanksgiving tomorrow and I am not in the least bit excited. My parents inability to let go has led to their spying on me via text messages. I am not happy about this, but it does mean that they are aware of some not so flattering things. I have a feeling that I will be getting chewed out basically the entire duration of my stay. From a psychological standpoint I feel that the feelings of loathing and distrust from my parents and now even some close friends is taking its toll, and that is probably why I have begun looking for love in other places (i.e. the older girl). One thing is for sure, if self destruction is a dish best served cold, then I am a hot skillet.

Older Girls Like Younger Guys

So when I was pledging I had my first experience with an older woman. Granted this older woman was extremely intoxicated and probably not as hot or skinny as I thought at the time, but still she was a sophomore, and I, just a lowly virginal freshmen to be taken advantage of, or so she thought. I fucked her for about two hours in the back of her car in the parking lot across the street from the frat house. And she enjoyed it! I even almost came when we were smoking outside her car and she told me I was too pussy to fuck her on the hood of her car, so I did just to teach her a lesson.

But in all seriousness folks, I like girls. Older girls are so intriguing to me because they treat you like you are their younger brother and you no absolutely nothing about sex. Truth is, if the Pope was a sex god then I would be Jesus Christ. Either way if they think I can't handle them, then they are sadly mistaken.

So why I am I writing this anyway. Well I'm starring in a film on campus, and the girl that is playing one of the roles is super hot and totally treating me like her little brother or possibly son the entire time. Well I'm in this really needy place right now where I just want to be loved, and and older woman just seems right. Like a mother figure who also wants to have sex with me. But this girl is totally awesome, into crazy sex, is six years older than me, and has a fucking gun!

Its really hard to tell if a girl like this is into you or not because she could just be treating you like the little brother she always wanted, or worse son, or worse worse friend.

I basically don't have any friends who are girls unless I'm trying to get with them. So if you are reading this and you are a girl who thinks you are my friend, then I'm probably trying to get with you. Unless your name is Jackie, but that's different because she is asian, and I still do try to get with her sometimes mostly when I'm drunk.

Nevertheless, I just received a very interesting text message that basically invited me to take a ride home with this lovely older lady for thanksgiving, and I promptly accepted. So now I'm so excited I think my penis might explode, but this really doesn't mean anything. If I want to get anywhere with this I'm going to have to step up my game majorly. It really ins't a problem though because I have been listening to old Reagan speeches, and they have got me in a totally confident mood. Like Icarus right before his wings melted and he fell back to earth.

I know there is no possible way I could actually get with this girl, but as long as I keep thinking that I can and fantasizing about it I think I will feel more optimistic and probably just continue lying to myself about my chances until its totally clear that it could never happen.

Yet Another Unpredictable Saturday With Phil

I wake up. I’m still drunk. Stumble out of bed. Pan right. Where the hell am I? Not my room, and yet strangely familiar. I reach down. I am wearing no pants, a wife beater and a military style olive drab jacket. What the fuck was I thinking? I feel in my pocket. Pack of Camel Crush, when did I get that?
Phil’s room, that’s my location. Son of a bitch, what a whore last night. What a goddamn whore. That’s why I am here. The bitch fucking boked in my bed, and basically all over my fucking room. Oh wait a second, pop a cig in. Damn not being able to smoke inside, this is a fucking free country last time I checked. I mean seriously, fuck!
Anyway, so Phil entering my life has been awesome so far. Seriously his access to prescription speed is not even the reason.
I fucking hate Julia Roberts, by the way, and right now there is this really stupid and chinky movie called The Mexican on HBO and it has Julia Roberts in it and that’s not good.
Anyway Phil has been great. Just always having fun staying up all night, but honestly we aren’t gay or anything we just like making late night runs to get fast food, energy drink, beer, and sometimes even pussy. But seriously, Phil is the kind of guy who would fuck you in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give you a reach around.
So last night I was so wasted. Just really pissed off at this total bitch who was absolutely crossing the line when I was trying to get nice. So I basically told her to go fuck herself and ended up totally raging on the strip last night. I mean Christ, I think there was this really kick ass band that was like hardcore mix of rap or some kind of mash up bs. Either way it was raw as hell and I was totally head banging, and my neck feels like shit. Total sin dude, but seriously there was some fine ass in there last night.
I ended up rolling back to my place, and since the pussy hunt hadn’t really panned out, me and Eric decided to take more shots. Then Phil calls. He’s with some girl I can hear her laughing. It’s all really quite cliché. I mean who does that anyway. So he hasn’t been drinking at all, and I say why don’t you come over with her and try to get at her level so you wont feel so bad. Too bad home-girl took more shots with us. Mistake.
The rest of the night was basically Ashley trying to fuck Phil because she was hammered, me trying to fuck Ashley because I’m hammered, and Phil sober as hell just trying to, well I don’t even know what. Oh yeah and Ian was there too.
I’m sorry I was just trying to think of a catchy thing I had thought of last night to describe everything, but I couldn’t remember it and I just thought of a better one. “Never do sober what you couldn’t do drunk.” Abe Lincoln said that in 1862 at the height of the Civil War. Not a lot of people know that Lincoln was a raging alcoholic, but really its not hard to believe. But hell, the North still won so I guess the guy on the heads of a penny was right. Oh and the five dollar bill to, but its hard for me to say that because I feel like I am disgracing him every time I use a five to do a line of blow, and that works in more than one way. (I’m pulling a Phil here, but just let me explain that. The illicit drug thing is obvious because people assume that Abe wouldn’t condone, but on the flip side if he did condone, but was also a raging alcoholic then coke would not be his drug of choice.)
Okay so at one point we basically gave up on Ashley and just told her to sleep in my bed. Maybe my bed just smelled like shit, but seriously the girl was in that bed for about 30 seconds before she fucking baffed everywhere. So the bitch was throwing up for like ten minutes, Phil is spacing out, I am dancing really provocatively to “Only You,” home girl is throwing up, Phil is laughing, I am laughing, home girl is boffing, Ian is gaming, and did I mention that Ashley threw up. So somehow we end up in the hall. I was kissing her she was kissing me. Covered in boff, I mean goddamn. Then Phil came and got us, and Ashley must have like fucking abducted herself or something, because she had fucking bocked in the shower while I was outside.
Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do. Fuck USPS. And FUCK Obama. Anf FUCK Phillip Morris you fucking American Tobacco cocksuckers.
So somehow we ended up back at Southgate, and I was trying to take the edge off with some tobacco and Ashley was really stressing me out so I just started saying things like, “hey you’re a slut,” “How much blow did you do tonight,” and “Hey will you let me and Phil run a train on you?” I don’t know what I was thinking.
She is back in the room laying out. Suddenly she just freaks and runs out the door. I didn’t even know she left, and we never saw her again. Hopefully she turned out okay, but its not like alcohol is that dangerous anyway.
I slept in Garrett’s bed last night. Don’t worry Garrett wasn’t there (Sorry Garrett). It was a little weird, but I got used to it. At least it wasn’t full of boke. But now its almost two o’clock and Phil is still sleeping and my room probably smells like shit and Ian is probably pissed, but its cool because I still got a really big penis.