Enjoi!

I’m in class right now. Its another rainy day in Tally. I’m craving a cigarette right now, and I have been forced to walk all the across campus to the stadium to listen to another chinky lecture from my public speaking professor.

It is all really quite annoying, because he is trying to be very funny, and he is only mildly funny, and I am even less amused because he is talking about the criteria for a speech that I have already made. It is like listening to a very detailed list of all the mistakes I made. It was a bad choice of topic all things considered. The History of American Politics is a little too dense for 8 o clock in the morning, but I couldn’t think of a good topic and I more or less got stuck with a speech that probably could of gone on for an hour, but was condense into seven minutes. He is probably gay, but I really can’t tell.

Anyway this week was alright. I’m really looking to wind it down with a bang. I think I am going to make a daiquiri as soon as I get back from classes today. Just killing the time I got left.

I don’t want to get too sidetracked with this though. The topic this week is my love life, but seriously, when hasn’t it been. I know I’m really narcissistic, but just shut-up already. A lot of dudes would probably say I am crazy. I have had plenty of opportunities to have hot girlfriends, but for the most part I have turned it down. It is weird how things work out. I am always chasing girls that I probably wont ever get, and then when perfectly decent girls chase me I don’t like it. To be honest I don’t think I have ever really fancied having any sort of relationship. It always ends up being a GD hassle. It gets to a point when everything she says annoys the shit out of you. I just try to avoid that now as much as possible to get away from any type of complication or potential sadness on the female side.

It most often will lead to one part being hurt so at this point, what is the point. Wow, I am becoming such a cynic. On the flip side of this two headed coin, I also want to hook up with a lot more girls before I “wife up” as Phil calls it. I just don’t see the need for it. If I wanted to bitched at by girls I would just turn gay.

So I starting before the weekend, but the weekend post turned out to be way better then this shit so I wasn’t gonna post it, but what the hell, Enjoi!

Okay Kids

This post is very important for several reasons.

1. Last night was the fucking bomb!
2. Don't try to imitate it in any way. This is for your own motherfucking safety okay.

Okay the night started out normal enough. I got hit up to go to a party with some of the Landis crowd. We drove over to this place that looked pretty legit and as soon as we got inside we started taking jello shots like total fucks. Just sucking them things up like a fucking vaccum. So I went outside to have a ciggy, and I'm just chilling with the girls and like 15 other people of the deck outside when some fat fucker jumps, and in a split second the whole fucking deck collapses. Everyone was already either drunk or close enough to think it was funny as shit. I'll admit it was rather funny, but there was a coffee table that basically crushed my knee when the thing went to shit so I was in a little pain and after taking a piss, I climbed back inside to take more shots. What a fucking mess. Things started to heat up after that. The keg arrived as well as some very homeless looking gypsies who were drunk as fuck, brought all of their gypsy luggage into the party with them, and were probably on acid by the way they were dancing. Fucking gypsies.

I was getting nice and we started raging to the band that was playing. Lyrics like "I'm gonna die tonight," but in a drunk way so it was cool. So somehow blow got brought up and we ended up looking for a place to get some. So fucked. Either way it happened after a really fucked ride with a guy named Black who actually turned out to be black.

Either way we got some shit and he took us to another party where we continued to get slammed and totally toasted. Everyone took there shirts off and I remember kinda getting bitten and danced on and totally raging for a long fucking time. Then we came back to campus and I was some how able to write "The world is yours" over my cock with sharpie before I brought back two chicks to good ole' Landis with me and did work for a few before one left, and I passed out.

Seriously kids, don't fucking do it. It was one night. It was amazing, but we can't all go around like fucking children all the time. It isn't fucking healthy.

All in all good night.

Long Lost Love

One night early in the semester I saw a girl that I imediately fell for. She was the perfect girl for me. Cute, smart, kinda crazy. Perfect. One problem: bf a.k.a. bffl a.k.a. wtf this is college. So we got pretty nice pregaming, and I was acting a fool because I liked this girl. So I said some dumb shit that I didn't even remember the next day. Getting even more mad wasted later on that night, and saying thing like, "your boyfriend sounds like a tool." Fuck!
So after that homegirl basically didn't talk to me again for at least a couple months. Broke up with the bf, but I was already out as far as that goes. So now looking back, I'm mad I missed opportunities, but what opportunity was it anyway. I mean I had just met this girl that night, and I blew it right then and there. Eh, whatever though. If your going to be keeping the college life real than you got to be real. When you get drunk don't say dumb stuff. That is the lesson here. Nevertheless, I garantee I will still say some shit next time I do. Whatever, that just how it goes.
Waltz anyone?

On the REG

Hello all. I'd like to take a few moments to talk about how awesome I am. Yes this may seem selfish, but face it, my life is just more interesting than yours. When I walk around campus people say things like, "Wow, why didn't he go to Harvard, cuz he looks THAT GOOD," and, "Since when did John Jr. come back to life and start going to FSU."
But seriously, I'm into myself. Narcissistic? Absolutely. But I am cool with that because I am just that good. Its not easy to do what I do. I mean always looking fly. Turning seemingly embarrassing situations into situations that make me look even cooler. You gotta be on the ball all the time. Don't get me wrong, loving myself is not what I'm all about, but it is a big part.
I think the only way to describe how I do, is to quote Kenny Powers (the greatest athlete of our time), "Get money on the reg, smoke weed on the reg, get pussy on the reg, look fly on the reg, etc etc." It's all about doing things on the reg. If someone asks you if you party you don't say, "yeah man I party sometimes." You say, "Fuck yeah! I do that shit on the reg!" That's why I am so popular, cool, and awesome because I do things on the reg.

Red Beard: The Boy With the Burning Beard

How drunk is too drunk? Let me tell you!

1. On the second night you're on campus you get so wasted that I have to fireman carry you up five flights of stairs to get your drunk ass back to your room.
2. You are too drunk to remember that you have acid reflux, so you shotgun a Mountain Dew and end up boking in my bed.
3. You get lost on campus and call me to come find you. Then after I have gone out of my way to get you, you slam the door in my face and fuck my pledge brother again!
4. You wake up the morning after and your room smells like shit.
5. You wake up the morning after and your dick is colored red, and you have a thong drawn on your ass.
6. You wake up and you are sleeping in your suite-mates bed.
7. Someone asks if you have ever lit your beard on fire and you say, "No, but do you want to try." (Seriously Patrick's beard being lit on fire was possibly the greatest thing I have ever seen.)

Well thats a couple signs that you may be too drunk. In all seriousness though, if your that drunk you won't remember it anyway. So have fun!

Yet Another Unpredictable Saturday With Phil

I wake up. I’m still drunk. Stumble out of bed. Pan right. Where the hell am I? Not my room, and yet strangely familiar. I reach down. I am wearing no pants, a wife beater and a military style olive drab jacket. What the fuck was I thinking? I feel in my pocket. Pack of Camel Crush, when did I get that?
Phil’s room, that’s my location. Son of a bitch, what a whore last night. What a goddamn whore. That’s why I am here. The bitch fucking boked in my bed, and basically all over my fucking room. Oh wait a second, pop a cig in. Damn not being able to smoke inside, this is a fucking free country last time I checked. I mean seriously, fuck!
Anyway, so Phil entering my life has been awesome so far. Seriously his access to prescription speed is not even the reason.
I fucking hate Julia Roberts, by the way, and right now there is this really stupid and chinky movie called The Mexican on HBO and it has Julia Roberts in it and that’s not good.
Anyway Phil has been great. Just always having fun staying up all night, but honestly we aren’t gay or anything we just like making late night runs to get fast food, energy drink, beer, and sometimes even pussy. But seriously, Phil is the kind of guy who would fuck you in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give you a reach around.
So last night I was so wasted. Just really pissed off at this total bitch who was absolutely crossing the line when I was trying to get nice. So I basically told her to go fuck herself and ended up totally raging on the strip last night. I mean Christ, I think there was this really kick ass band that was like hardcore mix of rap or some kind of mash up bs. Either way it was raw as hell and I was totally head banging, and my neck feels like shit. Total sin dude, but seriously there was some fine ass in there last night.
I ended up rolling back to my place, and since the pussy hunt hadn’t really panned out, me and Eric decided to take more shots. Then Phil calls. He’s with some girl I can hear her laughing. It’s all really quite cliché. I mean who does that anyway. So he hasn’t been drinking at all, and I say why don’t you come over with her and try to get at her level so you wont feel so bad. Too bad home-girl took more shots with us. Mistake.
The rest of the night was basically Ashley trying to fuck Phil because she was hammered, me trying to fuck Ashley because I’m hammered, and Phil sober as hell just trying to, well I don’t even know what. Oh yeah and Ian was there too.
I’m sorry I was just trying to think of a catchy thing I had thought of last night to describe everything, but I couldn’t remember it and I just thought of a better one. “Never do sober what you couldn’t do drunk.” Abe Lincoln said that in 1862 at the height of the Civil War. Not a lot of people know that Lincoln was a raging alcoholic, but really its not hard to believe. But hell, the North still won so I guess the guy on the heads of a penny was right. Oh and the five dollar bill to, but its hard for me to say that because I feel like I am disgracing him every time I use a five to do a line of blow, and that works in more than one way. (I’m pulling a Phil here, but just let me explain that. The illicit drug thing is obvious because people assume that Abe wouldn’t condone, but on the flip side if he did condone, but was also a raging alcoholic then coke would not be his drug of choice.)
Okay so at one point we basically gave up on Ashley and just told her to sleep in my bed. Maybe my bed just smelled like shit, but seriously the girl was in that bed for about 30 seconds before she fucking baffed everywhere. So the bitch was throwing up for like ten minutes, Phil is spacing out, I am dancing really provocatively to “Only You,” home girl is throwing up, Phil is laughing, I am laughing, home girl is boffing, Ian is gaming, and did I mention that Ashley threw up. So somehow we end up in the hall. I was kissing her she was kissing me. Covered in boff, I mean goddamn. Then Phil came and got us, and Ashley must have like fucking abducted herself or something, because she had fucking bocked in the shower while I was outside.
Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do. Fuck USPS. And FUCK Obama. Anf FUCK Phillip Morris you fucking American Tobacco cocksuckers.
So somehow we ended up back at Southgate, and I was trying to take the edge off with some tobacco and Ashley was really stressing me out so I just started saying things like, “hey you’re a slut,” “How much blow did you do tonight,” and “Hey will you let me and Phil run a train on you?” I don’t know what I was thinking.
She is back in the room laying out. Suddenly she just freaks and runs out the door. I didn’t even know she left, and we never saw her again. Hopefully she turned out okay, but its not like alcohol is that dangerous anyway.
I slept in Garrett’s bed last night. Don’t worry Garrett wasn’t there (Sorry Garrett). It was a little weird, but I got used to it. At least it wasn’t full of boke. But now its almost two o’clock and Phil is still sleeping and my room probably smells like shit and Ian is probably pissed, but its cool because I still got a really big penis.