Dear Mom, Send Paper and Antibiotics

Oh shit. I haven't been writing much, but I guess that is what happens when you have a shit load of stuff going on in your real life. It doesn't leave much time to take care of your cyber reality. But guess what... I'm back mothafuckas, and I know you missed me so I am going to make this post really good.
Okay I'll admit it. I was in a really emo mood last post. I couldn't help it. Things were getting emotional. I'll get to that in a minute, but for now I have to explain what is happening this very moment. I'm talking as-I-am-writing-this. Well I woke up this morning and what do you know, my left eye is fucking stuck shut. Pink eye. Fuck! I'm gonna go to Thaggard tomorrow morning for some much needed medication, but right now I am fucking suffering through a research paper that I have to write and it sucks because I don't think that staring at this screen for twelve hours is good for my eye. Either way the eye is just a nuisance, and I have been medicating myself with dip so I'm all good for the time being. Hold on... okay just put another lip in. We're good.
So apart from my bum eye, I am also running low on paper. That is an easier fix though and really kind of pointless, but I thought it made for an interesting title so I just thought I would mention it.
Other than that I have continued to master the art of procrastination. In fact I am procrastinating right now. The night is still young though. There really isn't anything I can do. I thrive on the pressure of completing things at the last minute. It invigorates me in a really sadistic way. Sometimes I wonder how I am going to make it in the professional world. I mean some things cant be finished the night before they are due you know? Then I remember, fuck the professional world. Some of us just aren't cut out for that type of responsibility. Oh good. Tiny Dancer just came on Pandora. Love me.
I tell you what though. This week really went to hell fast. It's not even because of this bacteria eroding my eye either. I found out that Gasparilla is going to be shitty this year. A. because there is a 70% chance of rain, and B. because they are cracking down on drinking in a very big way this year. WTF that is what it's all about. God, people these days. I don't fucking understand it anymore. I mean its like the one day out of the year that getting completely shit faced in public is acceptable. Well I guess not anymore. Bullshit. I can't go anyway because I found out on Monday that I have to make a speech for class on Monday at 8AM and I haven't even started on it yet. Well, whatever, I guess there is always next year. So the dreariness of the situation continues.
Basically the only good thing going on is the this girl that I have been seeing lately. Just totally down for anything and everything. My kind of girl in a lot of ways. She'll be gone this weekend though. I feel like shit anyway. I probably won't go out this weekend unless I feel better, but it might be nice just to raise my spirits a little. Unfortunately everyone with even the slightest hankering to really party will probably be in Tampa. Seriously, everyone is going to be upset when they find out I am not coming home. I'm like the best thing that happened to that town since Cuba.
Maybe I am incapable of love anymore. Again my inability to feel anything seems to be meddling with my affairs. Wow I am honest. Still, I can't help it. The truth I have heard often makes things more interesting that lies. Think about that sometime if you want to make your life more interesting.
Well other then this bullshit, the only other thing on my mind is where I am going to live next year. If anyone needs a roommate hit me up.
Okay playboys and playgirls that's about it. Hope your weekend is better than mine.

The Freak In Me

Holy shit what a weekend. The Intergalactic Keggar was great. There were about one hundred people in a house made for six. Let me just start by saying that jello shots might be kind of girly, but shit maybe I'm a girl then cuz I was fiending those last night. We were outside waiting for the keg to get filled and this girl walks up and says, "hey we don't want this do you guys want it?" It was like a Tupperware box full of jello and vodka. Since nobody else wanted any I took the liberty of helping myself. So needless to say I was drunk, but feeling really good, and the party I would say was probably a success for almost everyone.
On a more serious note, however, I have reached a real milestone over the past couple days. Those of you who have read some of my past blogs know that I have always been on the lookout for a girl, and this weekend I may have just found one. God it was great.
I'm feeling real mentally solid right now. This semester is looking up on so many levels.
Now for today's lesson. Guys I know your probably just out looking to hook up, and you know I'm down for all that bullshit too. I mean seriously any day of the week ladies holla at me. I love getting down. There really isn't anything I can think of that is better. Now if only I could get my mothafuckin' nut. But I digress, dudes, don't be too concentrated on just hooking up that you forget about what you want. Conserve that shit while you are looking for the kind of girl that can make all your fantasies come true. I'm a freaky dude and I love to do extremely kinky things. There really isn't much I wouldn't try. Now maybe your not that type of guy, but unless your a fucking priest I'm sure you have a couple things that you wouldn't mind a girl to do besides sucking on your nuts. So when it comes right down to it, just be on the look out for that kinky girl, if that's what your into. I don't know maybe I'm just bullshitting myself right now. I mean I don't know many guys who are into the kind of stuff I'm into. Well we wont get into that, unless your a lady in which case call me if you want more information.
Okay well thanks for a great weekend Tallahassee. I'm getting back to the streets tomorrow to keep the grind grinding. Peace.

Hubble Telescopes

Okay so cheers to all of you who were begging for more over Christmas break, I really appriciate your loyalty. There's just two problems.

1. I wasn't on campus. So how could I accurately portray what is going on here?
2. No one was begging for more. WTF?!

So if you are really curious as to what happened over break I can sum it up in one long ass sentence. I worked at the animal hospital, worked at some chicks, , worked on some trucks, worked on my dipping skills, got drunk, fucked my laptop up. So I really didn't do much. It was nice seeing everyone though. Much love to Keegan, Alec, Chris (the gimp), my bro, Stevo, Ped, Shawn, K-baby, S-baby, Mad Money Matt, George, and everyone else.

So now I've been back on campus for about 5 days and so much has already happened. First of all last night was funny as sin. Eric was tanking it as usual. He ended up passed out on the bathroom floor leaving him totally vulnerable to a tagging which I still owed him. He got a nice big cock on his chest before we got him back to good ole' Landis Hall just before 5 AM.

I have been walking around campus this week going to class etc. and it seems like there are even more baby girls here then last semester. Its really getting tough to stay composed for class these days . I really need to start getting my dick out in the open more, but my financial situation is in peril due to this laptop fiasco. What I really need now is a good old fashioned booty call. So if you know anybody....

On a more important note, and for that matter the purpose of this blog, fellas, you gotta stop bringing creatures back just so you can get your nut. Look I understand the whole drunk goggles thing, but c'mon there is a line that you just don't want to cross.

I was watching Gran Torino with Phil in his room on Friday night, when his unamed roomate returned fairly intoxicated and said, "Okay look guys I'm gonna need to use the room I got a chica coming up." Phil and I were immidiately suspicious due to this unamed character's reputation (i.e. Ashley) which we immidiately confronted him about. Phil had a great line when he said, "Would I be doing you a favor by leaving?" Now in all seriousness guys, that is the question that must be answered before any sexual action should be taken. If you can't justify the lay then it simply shouldn't be executed.

I, however took the high road in the situation and suggested that we leave the room because I had not seen the girl and assumed that judgement would best be left to the kid making the judgment, and not to Phil since Phil standards are usually unreasonably high and since he has yet to bring a chick back to their room. So we left and natually steaked out to see the chick. Unfortunately we could not get a good view. Nevertheless, Andrew assured me that she was in fact not worthy. Andrew had a classic line when he explained that this untimely inturreruption to a great Clint film was due to Unamed Roomate's "Drunk hubble telescopes."

So the lesson here is take what you can get when you can get it, but if it sucks be ready to endure the consequences of your friends who will undoubtedly not let you live it down.

PopTart Monkeys

I'd like to proudly announce that last night was awesome! How do I know? Well I woke up this morning and it looks like I tried to eat a poptart, but didn't wan't to swallow it so I just chewed it and then spit it out all over myself. Yes, I was that drunk.
So last night I was looking for something to do. Just chilling on Facebook talking to people to see whats up. I see that Patrick is online so I'm all like, "whats good yo?"
He's all, "party you in?"
I'm like, "hells yeah."
We get a ride to this place and it takes like an hour cuz we get mad lost, but Kristina was a trooper and we pulled through to make it in just in time for me to take one shot from a drained ass bottom of rum. Not to worry, the night was very young (although it was already twelve). Very lucky for us the party was not dry yet. Hit up the keg in the other room and started getting nice. We ran into Alex and Crystal, they were both being awesome. No disrespect to my last blog, but I think I said something dumb because Alex slapped me.
These chicks were doing keg stands. One girl blew my mind when she did one for 42 seconds. I guess I didn't get the memo that the party was Hawaiian themed. I watched as some kid chased these girls around the back yard like a drunk mothafucka, on like the coldest night of the year wearing like a tee shirt. It was great homeboy just falling, and doing that cartoon shit where your legs are running but you aren't actually moving.
We were starting to get pretty buzzed, but Kristina wanted to go so we left, and on the way back to campus me and Pat laid down some sick freestyle in the backseat. Me doing lil' Wayne like a BAMF.
I guess I asked Kristina to drop me off at this hotel downtown because I knew the DJ and I thought the 24 year old was going to be there. Unfortunately, when me and Pat got in there the DJ had already left, and the party was basically over. We thought about trying to get served at the bar, but didn't feel that confident. We did use their bathroom before we left, and I started drunk texting the older girl and the girl from Facebook.
We were walking back to campus when we saw the cops outside of Kappa Sig. They were having a huge Christmas party, and what sounded like a live band. Intriguing! We wandered around the house until we found a place where we could jump the fence. Got in. Went to the bar. Got drinks, tipped a dollar, got shots, got drunk! Then we went to the keg, and got more beer. I can't believe I didn't baff last night. So the band was awesome. Or I think they were awesome. Either way we capped the night off by getting up on stage we them and holding our drinks up real high when they covered "I Love College."
Oh man when they finally finished playing we were decently gone. I was making eyes at basically every girl in there. Telling the older girl that I would have a drink for her. Got another beer for some reason. Then we heard some brothers say, "You know what I hate? Kids that aren't Kappa Sig." Needless to say we got the fuck out of there.
Got back to my room, and I guess I thought that I needed a poptart. Whatever, good night!
Wait.... I figured out why I got a Poptart. When I was thinking of a title for this post I remember the name of the band last night. Poptart Monkeys! That explains my drunken logic.

Long Lost Love

One night early in the semester I saw a girl that I imediately fell for. She was the perfect girl for me. Cute, smart, kinda crazy. Perfect. One problem: bf a.k.a. bffl a.k.a. wtf this is college. So we got pretty nice pregaming, and I was acting a fool because I liked this girl. So I said some dumb shit that I didn't even remember the next day. Getting even more mad wasted later on that night, and saying thing like, "your boyfriend sounds like a tool." Fuck!
So after that homegirl basically didn't talk to me again for at least a couple months. Broke up with the bf, but I was already out as far as that goes. So now looking back, I'm mad I missed opportunities, but what opportunity was it anyway. I mean I had just met this girl that night, and I blew it right then and there. Eh, whatever though. If your going to be keeping the college life real than you got to be real. When you get drunk don't say dumb stuff. That is the lesson here. Nevertheless, I garantee I will still say some shit next time I do. Whatever, that just how it goes.
Waltz anyone?

Fat Chicks: The Pros and Cons

Okay so here is a lesson that you will probably learn early on in college. FSU has a lot to offer, and if there is one good thing it is the amount of hot chicks on campus. Everyday when I walk around or even just take a peak out onto Landis Green there are so many. For this reason, any self respecting guy should never have to resort to hooking up with a fat chick. I learned a long time ago the ways of the fat chick, and believe me they are a sly breed.
With 60% of the student population being female you are bound to run into one every once in a while. A lot of guys think hey she's being nice, so I'll be nice back. This gentlemen is a mistake. Never fall for the just being nice angle, you will always get fucked. An important thing to remember is to never get too drunk at a party where there is a fat chick because you may do something you regret. Fat chicks purposly go on the prowl at parties looking for the guy who looks like he might be getting a little too drunk, and then when the moment is right, they pounce. Don't be that guy fellas.
If you have good friends then they will look out for you, but don't depend on it. Keep your eyes peeled because the Fat Chick is out there and she is waiting. Be sure to set some ground rules ahead of time with your bros so they will know what to look for. Tell them that under no circumstances should you be involved with any fat chicks. Tell them that even if you are locked in a room and the fat chick has you naked and is totally taking advantage of your drunken ass, you do not want it. Even if you look like you do, even if you beg them not to. Your friends will know what to do.
I once heard a story about a fat chick that had a guy locked in a room, completely wasted, completely naked, basically raping him, and his friends were still able to rescue him. Those bastards went above and beyond the call of duty to rescue their friend. They banged on the locked door nearly breaking it down (breaking down a door is worth it if it means saving your friend). Finally, they broke a window and burst into the room, pulled the kids naked ass out of the bed and carried him to safety. It is worth it fellas. Fucking worth it.
Okay so here are some more things to remember. Fat chicks like to spread rumors about themselves. One of the biggest rumors is that fat chicks give great head. Well I'm sorry to have to admit this, but I feel its nessesary so that it wont happen again. I know from experience that this is not true. Fat chicks really don't give great head. I'm quoting the late great College Life here, but the truth is that fat chicks started this rumor because they need some leverage. They're fat, they need it. I mean you can't really blame them. Still, that doesn't mean you have to fall for it. Don't be another victim.
To sum it all up, there really aren't any pros, and the cons are too long to list so just remember to steer clear of THE FAT CHICK.

Red Beard: The Boy With the Burning Beard

How drunk is too drunk? Let me tell you!

1. On the second night you're on campus you get so wasted that I have to fireman carry you up five flights of stairs to get your drunk ass back to your room.
2. You are too drunk to remember that you have acid reflux, so you shotgun a Mountain Dew and end up boking in my bed.
3. You get lost on campus and call me to come find you. Then after I have gone out of my way to get you, you slam the door in my face and fuck my pledge brother again!
4. You wake up the morning after and your room smells like shit.
5. You wake up the morning after and your dick is colored red, and you have a thong drawn on your ass.
6. You wake up and you are sleeping in your suite-mates bed.
7. Someone asks if you have ever lit your beard on fire and you say, "No, but do you want to try." (Seriously Patrick's beard being lit on fire was possibly the greatest thing I have ever seen.)

Well thats a couple signs that you may be too drunk. In all seriousness though, if your that drunk you won't remember it anyway. So have fun!

Who Am I?

If your expecting some look into my mind your sadly mistaken. No, I have decided to dedicate this post somewhat to myself and what I, and this blog are all about as well as my fans, which as of 1:18 AM on November 25, 2009 total zero.

I, however, have a feeling that is all going to change very soon. You see this blog has real potential. It can be a lot more than just me telling you the crazy anecdotal stories of my early college years. I hope that this blog can be a place of not only laughs, but perhaps knowledge. You see as the oldest I had no idea what to expect when I came to college, and if you are a freshmen or incoming freshmen to Florida State or any other University in this great nation you are probably experiencing some of the same anxieties I felt and still feel towards life on your own in a strange new place.

Don't get yourself down college is great, and I guarantee you will find a place to fit in. Still, there are some things you probably want to avoid and some things you definitely don't want to pass up. I hope this blog will give you some tips on what those things are. Granted, these are just my opinions, but if you are anything like me then you should find them useful.

Its hard to say when my new attitudes started to develop, but when I look back at where I am now I see a stream of events that led me to the mindset I am in as I type these words to you tonight from my darkened dorm.

In order to understand what I mean, I have to start at the beginning. The beginning, as it were, was about a year ago this month when I was still in high school just trying to get through my senior year. I guess you could say I was a well rounded student. I played a few sports during high school, a few clubs, and great grades, but something was always missing. I had good friends who I knew that I could count on, and I even had a good job. Nonetheless, my home life felt like it was weighing on me and I felt as though I could never escape. Pressure to get into college, pressure to keep my grades up, pressure to get involved, pressure from friends, too many things on my plate. I saw college as a way for me to escape. I had hoped to get into film school, but I didn't get accepted. Perhaps if I had, I wouldn't be telling you this now. Things have a way of sorting out, or so I thought. But a year ago I was also in the mist of a very odd relationship, the likes of which I still have yet to comprehend. Emotionally I would say that I was a mess, and on the heels of that break-up I began a slow, yet steady journey towards realization.

So many things were going right for me, yet so many things still felt wrong. I had been accepted to every major university in Florida. I had scholarships lined up, and my high school career was drawing to a close in an extravagant manor, but I did not have what a truly wanted. I had dreamed for so long of coming to Florida State to go to film school, but I was not accepted. To make things worse I had several arguments with friends and my parents that left me in an awkward position at home and in school. Luckily I had the refuge of the animal hospital. Even that sometimes wasn't enough.

My bad habits were getting the best of me be the end of my senior year, and several incidents made my home life even worse. Mistakes of a teenager who is just trying to fit in perhaps, but still mistakes.

So by the time I left for college I was absolutely ready to start a new life here, and that is exactly what I did.

There is more to this story. This is just the introduction. I'll tell you this much though, I'm leaving to go home for Thanksgiving tomorrow and I am not in the least bit excited. My parents inability to let go has led to their spying on me via text messages. I am not happy about this, but it does mean that they are aware of some not so flattering things. I have a feeling that I will be getting chewed out basically the entire duration of my stay. From a psychological standpoint I feel that the feelings of loathing and distrust from my parents and now even some close friends is taking its toll, and that is probably why I have begun looking for love in other places (i.e. the older girl). One thing is for sure, if self destruction is a dish best served cold, then I am a hot skillet.