Okay Kids

This post is very important for several reasons.

1. Last night was the fucking bomb!
2. Don't try to imitate it in any way. This is for your own motherfucking safety okay.

Okay the night started out normal enough. I got hit up to go to a party with some of the Landis crowd. We drove over to this place that looked pretty legit and as soon as we got inside we started taking jello shots like total fucks. Just sucking them things up like a fucking vaccum. So I went outside to have a ciggy, and I'm just chilling with the girls and like 15 other people of the deck outside when some fat fucker jumps, and in a split second the whole fucking deck collapses. Everyone was already either drunk or close enough to think it was funny as shit. I'll admit it was rather funny, but there was a coffee table that basically crushed my knee when the thing went to shit so I was in a little pain and after taking a piss, I climbed back inside to take more shots. What a fucking mess. Things started to heat up after that. The keg arrived as well as some very homeless looking gypsies who were drunk as fuck, brought all of their gypsy luggage into the party with them, and were probably on acid by the way they were dancing. Fucking gypsies.

I was getting nice and we started raging to the band that was playing. Lyrics like "I'm gonna die tonight," but in a drunk way so it was cool. So somehow blow got brought up and we ended up looking for a place to get some. So fucked. Either way it happened after a really fucked ride with a guy named Black who actually turned out to be black.

Either way we got some shit and he took us to another party where we continued to get slammed and totally toasted. Everyone took there shirts off and I remember kinda getting bitten and danced on and totally raging for a long fucking time. Then we came back to campus and I was some how able to write "The world is yours" over my cock with sharpie before I brought back two chicks to good ole' Landis with me and did work for a few before one left, and I passed out.

Seriously kids, don't fucking do it. It was one night. It was amazing, but we can't all go around like fucking children all the time. It isn't fucking healthy.

All in all good night.

Dear Mom, Send Paper and Antibiotics

Oh shit. I haven't been writing much, but I guess that is what happens when you have a shit load of stuff going on in your real life. It doesn't leave much time to take care of your cyber reality. But guess what... I'm back mothafuckas, and I know you missed me so I am going to make this post really good.
Okay I'll admit it. I was in a really emo mood last post. I couldn't help it. Things were getting emotional. I'll get to that in a minute, but for now I have to explain what is happening this very moment. I'm talking as-I-am-writing-this. Well I woke up this morning and what do you know, my left eye is fucking stuck shut. Pink eye. Fuck! I'm gonna go to Thaggard tomorrow morning for some much needed medication, but right now I am fucking suffering through a research paper that I have to write and it sucks because I don't think that staring at this screen for twelve hours is good for my eye. Either way the eye is just a nuisance, and I have been medicating myself with dip so I'm all good for the time being. Hold on... okay just put another lip in. We're good.
So apart from my bum eye, I am also running low on paper. That is an easier fix though and really kind of pointless, but I thought it made for an interesting title so I just thought I would mention it.
Other than that I have continued to master the art of procrastination. In fact I am procrastinating right now. The night is still young though. There really isn't anything I can do. I thrive on the pressure of completing things at the last minute. It invigorates me in a really sadistic way. Sometimes I wonder how I am going to make it in the professional world. I mean some things cant be finished the night before they are due you know? Then I remember, fuck the professional world. Some of us just aren't cut out for that type of responsibility. Oh good. Tiny Dancer just came on Pandora. Love me.
I tell you what though. This week really went to hell fast. It's not even because of this bacteria eroding my eye either. I found out that Gasparilla is going to be shitty this year. A. because there is a 70% chance of rain, and B. because they are cracking down on drinking in a very big way this year. WTF that is what it's all about. God, people these days. I don't fucking understand it anymore. I mean its like the one day out of the year that getting completely shit faced in public is acceptable. Well I guess not anymore. Bullshit. I can't go anyway because I found out on Monday that I have to make a speech for class on Monday at 8AM and I haven't even started on it yet. Well, whatever, I guess there is always next year. So the dreariness of the situation continues.
Basically the only good thing going on is the this girl that I have been seeing lately. Just totally down for anything and everything. My kind of girl in a lot of ways. She'll be gone this weekend though. I feel like shit anyway. I probably won't go out this weekend unless I feel better, but it might be nice just to raise my spirits a little. Unfortunately everyone with even the slightest hankering to really party will probably be in Tampa. Seriously, everyone is going to be upset when they find out I am not coming home. I'm like the best thing that happened to that town since Cuba.
Maybe I am incapable of love anymore. Again my inability to feel anything seems to be meddling with my affairs. Wow I am honest. Still, I can't help it. The truth I have heard often makes things more interesting that lies. Think about that sometime if you want to make your life more interesting.
Well other then this bullshit, the only other thing on my mind is where I am going to live next year. If anyone needs a roommate hit me up.
Okay playboys and playgirls that's about it. Hope your weekend is better than mine.

The Freak In Me

Holy shit what a weekend. The Intergalactic Keggar was great. There were about one hundred people in a house made for six. Let me just start by saying that jello shots might be kind of girly, but shit maybe I'm a girl then cuz I was fiending those last night. We were outside waiting for the keg to get filled and this girl walks up and says, "hey we don't want this do you guys want it?" It was like a Tupperware box full of jello and vodka. Since nobody else wanted any I took the liberty of helping myself. So needless to say I was drunk, but feeling really good, and the party I would say was probably a success for almost everyone.
On a more serious note, however, I have reached a real milestone over the past couple days. Those of you who have read some of my past blogs know that I have always been on the lookout for a girl, and this weekend I may have just found one. God it was great.
I'm feeling real mentally solid right now. This semester is looking up on so many levels.
Now for today's lesson. Guys I know your probably just out looking to hook up, and you know I'm down for all that bullshit too. I mean seriously any day of the week ladies holla at me. I love getting down. There really isn't anything I can think of that is better. Now if only I could get my mothafuckin' nut. But I digress, dudes, don't be too concentrated on just hooking up that you forget about what you want. Conserve that shit while you are looking for the kind of girl that can make all your fantasies come true. I'm a freaky dude and I love to do extremely kinky things. There really isn't much I wouldn't try. Now maybe your not that type of guy, but unless your a fucking priest I'm sure you have a couple things that you wouldn't mind a girl to do besides sucking on your nuts. So when it comes right down to it, just be on the look out for that kinky girl, if that's what your into. I don't know maybe I'm just bullshitting myself right now. I mean I don't know many guys who are into the kind of stuff I'm into. Well we wont get into that, unless your a lady in which case call me if you want more information.
Okay well thanks for a great weekend Tallahassee. I'm getting back to the streets tomorrow to keep the grind grinding. Peace.

In Love

Last night was sick! Maya and I were just chillin when Zack came out for a smoke with us and invited us to a keggar on the other side of campus. One and half games of ring of fire later and we were on our way through the pouring Tallahassee rain to a house near Degraff, and I was well on my way to getting drunk. We roll into this house and realize immediately that this party is awesome. The house is totally dark, neon lights, black lights, neon paint on the walls, smoke machine, keg, stripper pole, laser lights. It was probably the closest to a European rave party that I have ever been.
Either fucking way things started heating up pretty damn quickly. I think I was getting hit on by a guy for a while, but I blew that off to go look for some more beer and pussy. Filled up my cup, got fucked up, met a girl named Katy who was wasted and kept fucking with me about my name which apparently is the same as a poor African country. Shit the girl couldn't get enough of it. Finally when we went outside we ran into this kid named Chris who I had actually seen passed out on the couch earlier. Homeboy started speaking fucking German, Maya started speaking German, I started speaking Polish, Patrick thought he was from Southey, Chris was from Southey, they called each other out, somehow it turned out okay.
At one point I tried to score some coke. Fail. Being neither here nor there, I was drunk. So we came back to Landis after laying down some freestyle out back. We played another game of ring of fire with Z-Baby then I return to my room.
The plot definitely thickened after I got back. But that shit is for my eyes only motherfuckers so fuck you. I will tell you this though. I fulfilled all my goals for last night.
Intergalactic Keggar tonight. I don't know if I can make it, but I'm going.

Hubble Telescopes

Okay so cheers to all of you who were begging for more over Christmas break, I really appriciate your loyalty. There's just two problems.

1. I wasn't on campus. So how could I accurately portray what is going on here?
2. No one was begging for more. WTF?!

So if you are really curious as to what happened over break I can sum it up in one long ass sentence. I worked at the animal hospital, worked at some chicks, , worked on some trucks, worked on my dipping skills, got drunk, fucked my laptop up. So I really didn't do much. It was nice seeing everyone though. Much love to Keegan, Alec, Chris (the gimp), my bro, Stevo, Ped, Shawn, K-baby, S-baby, Mad Money Matt, George, and everyone else.

So now I've been back on campus for about 5 days and so much has already happened. First of all last night was funny as sin. Eric was tanking it as usual. He ended up passed out on the bathroom floor leaving him totally vulnerable to a tagging which I still owed him. He got a nice big cock on his chest before we got him back to good ole' Landis Hall just before 5 AM.

I have been walking around campus this week going to class etc. and it seems like there are even more baby girls here then last semester. Its really getting tough to stay composed for class these days . I really need to start getting my dick out in the open more, but my financial situation is in peril due to this laptop fiasco. What I really need now is a good old fashioned booty call. So if you know anybody....

On a more important note, and for that matter the purpose of this blog, fellas, you gotta stop bringing creatures back just so you can get your nut. Look I understand the whole drunk goggles thing, but c'mon there is a line that you just don't want to cross.

I was watching Gran Torino with Phil in his room on Friday night, when his unamed roomate returned fairly intoxicated and said, "Okay look guys I'm gonna need to use the room I got a chica coming up." Phil and I were immidiately suspicious due to this unamed character's reputation (i.e. Ashley) which we immidiately confronted him about. Phil had a great line when he said, "Would I be doing you a favor by leaving?" Now in all seriousness guys, that is the question that must be answered before any sexual action should be taken. If you can't justify the lay then it simply shouldn't be executed.

I, however took the high road in the situation and suggested that we leave the room because I had not seen the girl and assumed that judgement would best be left to the kid making the judgment, and not to Phil since Phil standards are usually unreasonably high and since he has yet to bring a chick back to their room. So we left and natually steaked out to see the chick. Unfortunately we could not get a good view. Nevertheless, Andrew assured me that she was in fact not worthy. Andrew had a classic line when he explained that this untimely inturreruption to a great Clint film was due to Unamed Roomate's "Drunk hubble telescopes."

So the lesson here is take what you can get when you can get it, but if it sucks be ready to endure the consequences of your friends who will undoubtedly not let you live it down.

I Love FSU

PopTart Monkeys

I'd like to proudly announce that last night was awesome! How do I know? Well I woke up this morning and it looks like I tried to eat a poptart, but didn't wan't to swallow it so I just chewed it and then spit it out all over myself. Yes, I was that drunk.
So last night I was looking for something to do. Just chilling on Facebook talking to people to see whats up. I see that Patrick is online so I'm all like, "whats good yo?"
He's all, "party you in?"
I'm like, "hells yeah."
We get a ride to this place and it takes like an hour cuz we get mad lost, but Kristina was a trooper and we pulled through to make it in just in time for me to take one shot from a drained ass bottom of rum. Not to worry, the night was very young (although it was already twelve). Very lucky for us the party was not dry yet. Hit up the keg in the other room and started getting nice. We ran into Alex and Crystal, they were both being awesome. No disrespect to my last blog, but I think I said something dumb because Alex slapped me.
These chicks were doing keg stands. One girl blew my mind when she did one for 42 seconds. I guess I didn't get the memo that the party was Hawaiian themed. I watched as some kid chased these girls around the back yard like a drunk mothafucka, on like the coldest night of the year wearing like a tee shirt. It was great homeboy just falling, and doing that cartoon shit where your legs are running but you aren't actually moving.
We were starting to get pretty buzzed, but Kristina wanted to go so we left, and on the way back to campus me and Pat laid down some sick freestyle in the backseat. Me doing lil' Wayne like a BAMF.
I guess I asked Kristina to drop me off at this hotel downtown because I knew the DJ and I thought the 24 year old was going to be there. Unfortunately, when me and Pat got in there the DJ had already left, and the party was basically over. We thought about trying to get served at the bar, but didn't feel that confident. We did use their bathroom before we left, and I started drunk texting the older girl and the girl from Facebook.
We were walking back to campus when we saw the cops outside of Kappa Sig. They were having a huge Christmas party, and what sounded like a live band. Intriguing! We wandered around the house until we found a place where we could jump the fence. Got in. Went to the bar. Got drinks, tipped a dollar, got shots, got drunk! Then we went to the keg, and got more beer. I can't believe I didn't baff last night. So the band was awesome. Or I think they were awesome. Either way we capped the night off by getting up on stage we them and holding our drinks up real high when they covered "I Love College."
Oh man when they finally finished playing we were decently gone. I was making eyes at basically every girl in there. Telling the older girl that I would have a drink for her. Got another beer for some reason. Then we heard some brothers say, "You know what I hate? Kids that aren't Kappa Sig." Needless to say we got the fuck out of there.
Got back to my room, and I guess I thought that I needed a poptart. Whatever, good night!
Wait.... I figured out why I got a Poptart. When I was thinking of a title for this post I remember the name of the band last night. Poptart Monkeys! That explains my drunken logic.

On the REG

Hello all. I'd like to take a few moments to talk about how awesome I am. Yes this may seem selfish, but face it, my life is just more interesting than yours. When I walk around campus people say things like, "Wow, why didn't he go to Harvard, cuz he looks THAT GOOD," and, "Since when did John Jr. come back to life and start going to FSU."
But seriously, I'm into myself. Narcissistic? Absolutely. But I am cool with that because I am just that good. Its not easy to do what I do. I mean always looking fly. Turning seemingly embarrassing situations into situations that make me look even cooler. You gotta be on the ball all the time. Don't get me wrong, loving myself is not what I'm all about, but it is a big part.
I think the only way to describe how I do, is to quote Kenny Powers (the greatest athlete of our time), "Get money on the reg, smoke weed on the reg, get pussy on the reg, look fly on the reg, etc etc." It's all about doing things on the reg. If someone asks you if you party you don't say, "yeah man I party sometimes." You say, "Fuck yeah! I do that shit on the reg!" That's why I am so popular, cool, and awesome because I do things on the reg.

Yet Another Unpredictable Saturday With Phil

I wake up. I’m still drunk. Stumble out of bed. Pan right. Where the hell am I? Not my room, and yet strangely familiar. I reach down. I am wearing no pants, a wife beater and a military style olive drab jacket. What the fuck was I thinking? I feel in my pocket. Pack of Camel Crush, when did I get that?
Phil’s room, that’s my location. Son of a bitch, what a whore last night. What a goddamn whore. That’s why I am here. The bitch fucking boked in my bed, and basically all over my fucking room. Oh wait a second, pop a cig in. Damn not being able to smoke inside, this is a fucking free country last time I checked. I mean seriously, fuck!
Anyway, so Phil entering my life has been awesome so far. Seriously his access to prescription speed is not even the reason.
I fucking hate Julia Roberts, by the way, and right now there is this really stupid and chinky movie called The Mexican on HBO and it has Julia Roberts in it and that’s not good.
Anyway Phil has been great. Just always having fun staying up all night, but honestly we aren’t gay or anything we just like making late night runs to get fast food, energy drink, beer, and sometimes even pussy. But seriously, Phil is the kind of guy who would fuck you in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give you a reach around.
So last night I was so wasted. Just really pissed off at this total bitch who was absolutely crossing the line when I was trying to get nice. So I basically told her to go fuck herself and ended up totally raging on the strip last night. I mean Christ, I think there was this really kick ass band that was like hardcore mix of rap or some kind of mash up bs. Either way it was raw as hell and I was totally head banging, and my neck feels like shit. Total sin dude, but seriously there was some fine ass in there last night.
I ended up rolling back to my place, and since the pussy hunt hadn’t really panned out, me and Eric decided to take more shots. Then Phil calls. He’s with some girl I can hear her laughing. It’s all really quite cliché. I mean who does that anyway. So he hasn’t been drinking at all, and I say why don’t you come over with her and try to get at her level so you wont feel so bad. Too bad home-girl took more shots with us. Mistake.
The rest of the night was basically Ashley trying to fuck Phil because she was hammered, me trying to fuck Ashley because I’m hammered, and Phil sober as hell just trying to, well I don’t even know what. Oh yeah and Ian was there too.
I’m sorry I was just trying to think of a catchy thing I had thought of last night to describe everything, but I couldn’t remember it and I just thought of a better one. “Never do sober what you couldn’t do drunk.” Abe Lincoln said that in 1862 at the height of the Civil War. Not a lot of people know that Lincoln was a raging alcoholic, but really its not hard to believe. But hell, the North still won so I guess the guy on the heads of a penny was right. Oh and the five dollar bill to, but its hard for me to say that because I feel like I am disgracing him every time I use a five to do a line of blow, and that works in more than one way. (I’m pulling a Phil here, but just let me explain that. The illicit drug thing is obvious because people assume that Abe wouldn’t condone, but on the flip side if he did condone, but was also a raging alcoholic then coke would not be his drug of choice.)
Okay so at one point we basically gave up on Ashley and just told her to sleep in my bed. Maybe my bed just smelled like shit, but seriously the girl was in that bed for about 30 seconds before she fucking baffed everywhere. So the bitch was throwing up for like ten minutes, Phil is spacing out, I am dancing really provocatively to “Only You,” home girl is throwing up, Phil is laughing, I am laughing, home girl is boffing, Ian is gaming, and did I mention that Ashley threw up. So somehow we end up in the hall. I was kissing her she was kissing me. Covered in boff, I mean goddamn. Then Phil came and got us, and Ashley must have like fucking abducted herself or something, because she had fucking bocked in the shower while I was outside.
Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do. Fuck USPS. And FUCK Obama. Anf FUCK Phillip Morris you fucking American Tobacco cocksuckers.
So somehow we ended up back at Southgate, and I was trying to take the edge off with some tobacco and Ashley was really stressing me out so I just started saying things like, “hey you’re a slut,” “How much blow did you do tonight,” and “Hey will you let me and Phil run a train on you?” I don’t know what I was thinking.
She is back in the room laying out. Suddenly she just freaks and runs out the door. I didn’t even know she left, and we never saw her again. Hopefully she turned out okay, but its not like alcohol is that dangerous anyway.
I slept in Garrett’s bed last night. Don’t worry Garrett wasn’t there (Sorry Garrett). It was a little weird, but I got used to it. At least it wasn’t full of boke. But now its almost two o’clock and Phil is still sleeping and my room probably smells like shit and Ian is probably pissed, but its cool because I still got a really big penis.