Assmaster

So I am sitting here in my room at 5am with Phil helping him with his research paper. This is really great you know. I haven't been sleeping well of late, but I think it is probably because of my increasing unhealthy lifestyle.

God just all I do anymore is sleep, sex, smoke, go to class, smoke, eat, sex, sleep, and there really isn't any particular order. Its bland and confusing and really fucking me up, but it isn't bad so I'm not really complaining, but I would prefer to be on a somewhat more normal schedule.

Phil is freaking out again because he doesn't know how to operate a computer, and he is making me really irritable because of it. I could of gotten laid tonight. Eh... I'm still deciding if this was more fun. It's close right now. I basically wrote most of the paper for him so far, but it is not that close to being finished, but it ain't all due tomorrow so it's no biggy.

Sorry for being gone so long. A lot of stuff has happened but it hasn't been particularly interesting although I am sure that I will catch you up on a few things in coming posts.

Right now I want to talk about anal sex. The first time I stuck my schlong in a girls ass I about cried. I mean shit (no pun intended), but damn it hurts. The initial sensation can be described as something like sticking a hot dog into a pencil sharpener. It just isn't meant to fit.

However, once you start to move in deeper (remember keep it slow at first fellas, your not harpooning a whale)... Anyway once you start thrusting goodn'deep she is gonna open up a lil' for you and then you can start having some fun. Pop your nut in er' butt and call it a night. I have heard that some girls can get pleasure from it, but in my case...that wasn't the case. Either way I had a good time. Dick is gonna probably be a little sore in the morning though, but in my opinion it is worth a try for sure. Overall, anal sex, one thumb up, one thumb in the butt.

Enjoi!

I’m in class right now. Its another rainy day in Tally. I’m craving a cigarette right now, and I have been forced to walk all the across campus to the stadium to listen to another chinky lecture from my public speaking professor.

It is all really quite annoying, because he is trying to be very funny, and he is only mildly funny, and I am even less amused because he is talking about the criteria for a speech that I have already made. It is like listening to a very detailed list of all the mistakes I made. It was a bad choice of topic all things considered. The History of American Politics is a little too dense for 8 o clock in the morning, but I couldn’t think of a good topic and I more or less got stuck with a speech that probably could of gone on for an hour, but was condense into seven minutes. He is probably gay, but I really can’t tell.

Anyway this week was alright. I’m really looking to wind it down with a bang. I think I am going to make a daiquiri as soon as I get back from classes today. Just killing the time I got left.

I don’t want to get too sidetracked with this though. The topic this week is my love life, but seriously, when hasn’t it been. I know I’m really narcissistic, but just shut-up already. A lot of dudes would probably say I am crazy. I have had plenty of opportunities to have hot girlfriends, but for the most part I have turned it down. It is weird how things work out. I am always chasing girls that I probably wont ever get, and then when perfectly decent girls chase me I don’t like it. To be honest I don’t think I have ever really fancied having any sort of relationship. It always ends up being a GD hassle. It gets to a point when everything she says annoys the shit out of you. I just try to avoid that now as much as possible to get away from any type of complication or potential sadness on the female side.

It most often will lead to one part being hurt so at this point, what is the point. Wow, I am becoming such a cynic. On the flip side of this two headed coin, I also want to hook up with a lot more girls before I “wife up” as Phil calls it. I just don’t see the need for it. If I wanted to bitched at by girls I would just turn gay.

So I starting before the weekend, but the weekend post turned out to be way better then this shit so I wasn’t gonna post it, but what the hell, Enjoi!

Okay Kids

This post is very important for several reasons.

1. Last night was the fucking bomb!
2. Don't try to imitate it in any way. This is for your own motherfucking safety okay.

Okay the night started out normal enough. I got hit up to go to a party with some of the Landis crowd. We drove over to this place that looked pretty legit and as soon as we got inside we started taking jello shots like total fucks. Just sucking them things up like a fucking vaccum. So I went outside to have a ciggy, and I'm just chilling with the girls and like 15 other people of the deck outside when some fat fucker jumps, and in a split second the whole fucking deck collapses. Everyone was already either drunk or close enough to think it was funny as shit. I'll admit it was rather funny, but there was a coffee table that basically crushed my knee when the thing went to shit so I was in a little pain and after taking a piss, I climbed back inside to take more shots. What a fucking mess. Things started to heat up after that. The keg arrived as well as some very homeless looking gypsies who were drunk as fuck, brought all of their gypsy luggage into the party with them, and were probably on acid by the way they were dancing. Fucking gypsies.

I was getting nice and we started raging to the band that was playing. Lyrics like "I'm gonna die tonight," but in a drunk way so it was cool. So somehow blow got brought up and we ended up looking for a place to get some. So fucked. Either way it happened after a really fucked ride with a guy named Black who actually turned out to be black.

Either way we got some shit and he took us to another party where we continued to get slammed and totally toasted. Everyone took there shirts off and I remember kinda getting bitten and danced on and totally raging for a long fucking time. Then we came back to campus and I was some how able to write "The world is yours" over my cock with sharpie before I brought back two chicks to good ole' Landis with me and did work for a few before one left, and I passed out.

Seriously kids, don't fucking do it. It was one night. It was amazing, but we can't all go around like fucking children all the time. It isn't fucking healthy.

All in all good night.

Dear Mom, Send Paper and Antibiotics

Oh shit. I haven't been writing much, but I guess that is what happens when you have a shit load of stuff going on in your real life. It doesn't leave much time to take care of your cyber reality. But guess what... I'm back mothafuckas, and I know you missed me so I am going to make this post really good.
Okay I'll admit it. I was in a really emo mood last post. I couldn't help it. Things were getting emotional. I'll get to that in a minute, but for now I have to explain what is happening this very moment. I'm talking as-I-am-writing-this. Well I woke up this morning and what do you know, my left eye is fucking stuck shut. Pink eye. Fuck! I'm gonna go to Thaggard tomorrow morning for some much needed medication, but right now I am fucking suffering through a research paper that I have to write and it sucks because I don't think that staring at this screen for twelve hours is good for my eye. Either way the eye is just a nuisance, and I have been medicating myself with dip so I'm all good for the time being. Hold on... okay just put another lip in. We're good.
So apart from my bum eye, I am also running low on paper. That is an easier fix though and really kind of pointless, but I thought it made for an interesting title so I just thought I would mention it.
Other than that I have continued to master the art of procrastination. In fact I am procrastinating right now. The night is still young though. There really isn't anything I can do. I thrive on the pressure of completing things at the last minute. It invigorates me in a really sadistic way. Sometimes I wonder how I am going to make it in the professional world. I mean some things cant be finished the night before they are due you know? Then I remember, fuck the professional world. Some of us just aren't cut out for that type of responsibility. Oh good. Tiny Dancer just came on Pandora. Love me.
I tell you what though. This week really went to hell fast. It's not even because of this bacteria eroding my eye either. I found out that Gasparilla is going to be shitty this year. A. because there is a 70% chance of rain, and B. because they are cracking down on drinking in a very big way this year. WTF that is what it's all about. God, people these days. I don't fucking understand it anymore. I mean its like the one day out of the year that getting completely shit faced in public is acceptable. Well I guess not anymore. Bullshit. I can't go anyway because I found out on Monday that I have to make a speech for class on Monday at 8AM and I haven't even started on it yet. Well, whatever, I guess there is always next year. So the dreariness of the situation continues.
Basically the only good thing going on is the this girl that I have been seeing lately. Just totally down for anything and everything. My kind of girl in a lot of ways. She'll be gone this weekend though. I feel like shit anyway. I probably won't go out this weekend unless I feel better, but it might be nice just to raise my spirits a little. Unfortunately everyone with even the slightest hankering to really party will probably be in Tampa. Seriously, everyone is going to be upset when they find out I am not coming home. I'm like the best thing that happened to that town since Cuba.
Maybe I am incapable of love anymore. Again my inability to feel anything seems to be meddling with my affairs. Wow I am honest. Still, I can't help it. The truth I have heard often makes things more interesting that lies. Think about that sometime if you want to make your life more interesting.
Well other then this bullshit, the only other thing on my mind is where I am going to live next year. If anyone needs a roommate hit me up.
Okay playboys and playgirls that's about it. Hope your weekend is better than mine.

Rain

Standing outside Landis on an otherwise typically rainy, cold night in the city. Its darker than usual no stars, no moon just the blurred lights from windows above. Flick the lighter and cover the cigarette with my hand warming it slightly, but only for a moment. I take a drag. Exhale. A silhouette of a darkened figured, smoke slowly billowing through the rain can be seen standing under the overhang. I walk into the rain, and look up to the fourth floor where I had just been. Take another drag, and ponder muddled thoughts.
The night is late and my mind is blurry. Probably loosing some of my sanity as the day went on. It didn't get any better tonight. A drought on the inside, a monsoon on the outside. It is only Wednesday.
Desire.
I have told you that I was in love once.

The Freak In Me

Holy shit what a weekend. The Intergalactic Keggar was great. There were about one hundred people in a house made for six. Let me just start by saying that jello shots might be kind of girly, but shit maybe I'm a girl then cuz I was fiending those last night. We were outside waiting for the keg to get filled and this girl walks up and says, "hey we don't want this do you guys want it?" It was like a Tupperware box full of jello and vodka. Since nobody else wanted any I took the liberty of helping myself. So needless to say I was drunk, but feeling really good, and the party I would say was probably a success for almost everyone.
On a more serious note, however, I have reached a real milestone over the past couple days. Those of you who have read some of my past blogs know that I have always been on the lookout for a girl, and this weekend I may have just found one. God it was great.
I'm feeling real mentally solid right now. This semester is looking up on so many levels.
Now for today's lesson. Guys I know your probably just out looking to hook up, and you know I'm down for all that bullshit too. I mean seriously any day of the week ladies holla at me. I love getting down. There really isn't anything I can think of that is better. Now if only I could get my mothafuckin' nut. But I digress, dudes, don't be too concentrated on just hooking up that you forget about what you want. Conserve that shit while you are looking for the kind of girl that can make all your fantasies come true. I'm a freaky dude and I love to do extremely kinky things. There really isn't much I wouldn't try. Now maybe your not that type of guy, but unless your a fucking priest I'm sure you have a couple things that you wouldn't mind a girl to do besides sucking on your nuts. So when it comes right down to it, just be on the look out for that kinky girl, if that's what your into. I don't know maybe I'm just bullshitting myself right now. I mean I don't know many guys who are into the kind of stuff I'm into. Well we wont get into that, unless your a lady in which case call me if you want more information.
Okay well thanks for a great weekend Tallahassee. I'm getting back to the streets tomorrow to keep the grind grinding. Peace.

Hubble Telescopes

Okay so cheers to all of you who were begging for more over Christmas break, I really appriciate your loyalty. There's just two problems.

1. I wasn't on campus. So how could I accurately portray what is going on here?
2. No one was begging for more. WTF?!

So if you are really curious as to what happened over break I can sum it up in one long ass sentence. I worked at the animal hospital, worked at some chicks, , worked on some trucks, worked on my dipping skills, got drunk, fucked my laptop up. So I really didn't do much. It was nice seeing everyone though. Much love to Keegan, Alec, Chris (the gimp), my bro, Stevo, Ped, Shawn, K-baby, S-baby, Mad Money Matt, George, and everyone else.

So now I've been back on campus for about 5 days and so much has already happened. First of all last night was funny as sin. Eric was tanking it as usual. He ended up passed out on the bathroom floor leaving him totally vulnerable to a tagging which I still owed him. He got a nice big cock on his chest before we got him back to good ole' Landis Hall just before 5 AM.

I have been walking around campus this week going to class etc. and it seems like there are even more baby girls here then last semester. Its really getting tough to stay composed for class these days . I really need to start getting my dick out in the open more, but my financial situation is in peril due to this laptop fiasco. What I really need now is a good old fashioned booty call. So if you know anybody....

On a more important note, and for that matter the purpose of this blog, fellas, you gotta stop bringing creatures back just so you can get your nut. Look I understand the whole drunk goggles thing, but c'mon there is a line that you just don't want to cross.

I was watching Gran Torino with Phil in his room on Friday night, when his unamed roomate returned fairly intoxicated and said, "Okay look guys I'm gonna need to use the room I got a chica coming up." Phil and I were immidiately suspicious due to this unamed character's reputation (i.e. Ashley) which we immidiately confronted him about. Phil had a great line when he said, "Would I be doing you a favor by leaving?" Now in all seriousness guys, that is the question that must be answered before any sexual action should be taken. If you can't justify the lay then it simply shouldn't be executed.

I, however took the high road in the situation and suggested that we leave the room because I had not seen the girl and assumed that judgement would best be left to the kid making the judgment, and not to Phil since Phil standards are usually unreasonably high and since he has yet to bring a chick back to their room. So we left and natually steaked out to see the chick. Unfortunately we could not get a good view. Nevertheless, Andrew assured me that she was in fact not worthy. Andrew had a classic line when he explained that this untimely inturreruption to a great Clint film was due to Unamed Roomate's "Drunk hubble telescopes."

So the lesson here is take what you can get when you can get it, but if it sucks be ready to endure the consequences of your friends who will undoubtedly not let you live it down.

I Love FSU

Finals

Woah okay so finals week is over and wtf. Look I'm the kind of guy that typically doesn't study, but hey its college so I'll give it a chance. Forty-eight hours later and I'm thinking it wasn't such a good idea. I got all my shit done though. One final paper, one essay, three exams, and its not so bad.
Okay so here is a quick tip. Study aids are great, especially the prescription kind. I tried something new this time around. Not a lot of people know that the commonly found over-the-counter headache medicine Excedrin has a decent amount of caffeine and other stimulating substances in it. So a couple nights ago I took about five while I was studying. Mistake. Not a mistake in that I couldn't study, because I definitely could! But a mistake because I was probably close to having a hard attack, and when I went to the test at 7:30 AM I was totally tweaking out. Still, I feel great about the test, and staying up all night wasn't a bad idea either because some chick posted the answers to the study guide online at about 5 AM and I totally wouldn't have gotten all the answers if I hadn't of been up. Check mate.
Other than that though, you can usually get someone to hook you up with some prescription shit for ADD or ADHD. Now this is powerful shit and very effective for those of us who don't actually suffer from those dreadful ailments. However, I do not condone any of it. LOL.
So I got home yesterday (to Tampa) and totally crashed for about sixteen hours. Wake up and I got a call from a young lady still back in Tally telling me to "stop by" and "say goodbye" before I leave. Problem... I'm already home. Fuck! This totally sounds like one of those come-by-my-room-and-fuck-me-one-time-before-I-don't-see-you-for-a-month kinda deals. So once again I miss out on some prime time pussy. Typical. But now I'm home ready to fuck shit up as usual. I'm already missing FLorida State though. It's gonna be a long month away from Tally. Hopefully I'll have some fun down here. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Good luck to those of you who have exams on Friday. As for me I'll be getting up real early to get my fish on.
Peace!

Fat Chicks: The Pros and Cons

Okay so here is a lesson that you will probably learn early on in college. FSU has a lot to offer, and if there is one good thing it is the amount of hot chicks on campus. Everyday when I walk around or even just take a peak out onto Landis Green there are so many. For this reason, any self respecting guy should never have to resort to hooking up with a fat chick. I learned a long time ago the ways of the fat chick, and believe me they are a sly breed.
With 60% of the student population being female you are bound to run into one every once in a while. A lot of guys think hey she's being nice, so I'll be nice back. This gentlemen is a mistake. Never fall for the just being nice angle, you will always get fucked. An important thing to remember is to never get too drunk at a party where there is a fat chick because you may do something you regret. Fat chicks purposly go on the prowl at parties looking for the guy who looks like he might be getting a little too drunk, and then when the moment is right, they pounce. Don't be that guy fellas.
If you have good friends then they will look out for you, but don't depend on it. Keep your eyes peeled because the Fat Chick is out there and she is waiting. Be sure to set some ground rules ahead of time with your bros so they will know what to look for. Tell them that under no circumstances should you be involved with any fat chicks. Tell them that even if you are locked in a room and the fat chick has you naked and is totally taking advantage of your drunken ass, you do not want it. Even if you look like you do, even if you beg them not to. Your friends will know what to do.
I once heard a story about a fat chick that had a guy locked in a room, completely wasted, completely naked, basically raping him, and his friends were still able to rescue him. Those bastards went above and beyond the call of duty to rescue their friend. They banged on the locked door nearly breaking it down (breaking down a door is worth it if it means saving your friend). Finally, they broke a window and burst into the room, pulled the kids naked ass out of the bed and carried him to safety. It is worth it fellas. Fucking worth it.
Okay so here are some more things to remember. Fat chicks like to spread rumors about themselves. One of the biggest rumors is that fat chicks give great head. Well I'm sorry to have to admit this, but I feel its nessesary so that it wont happen again. I know from experience that this is not true. Fat chicks really don't give great head. I'm quoting the late great College Life here, but the truth is that fat chicks started this rumor because they need some leverage. They're fat, they need it. I mean you can't really blame them. Still, that doesn't mean you have to fall for it. Don't be another victim.
To sum it all up, there really aren't any pros, and the cons are too long to list so just remember to steer clear of THE FAT CHICK.

On the REG

Hello all. I'd like to take a few moments to talk about how awesome I am. Yes this may seem selfish, but face it, my life is just more interesting than yours. When I walk around campus people say things like, "Wow, why didn't he go to Harvard, cuz he looks THAT GOOD," and, "Since when did John Jr. come back to life and start going to FSU."
But seriously, I'm into myself. Narcissistic? Absolutely. But I am cool with that because I am just that good. Its not easy to do what I do. I mean always looking fly. Turning seemingly embarrassing situations into situations that make me look even cooler. You gotta be on the ball all the time. Don't get me wrong, loving myself is not what I'm all about, but it is a big part.
I think the only way to describe how I do, is to quote Kenny Powers (the greatest athlete of our time), "Get money on the reg, smoke weed on the reg, get pussy on the reg, look fly on the reg, etc etc." It's all about doing things on the reg. If someone asks you if you party you don't say, "yeah man I party sometimes." You say, "Fuck yeah! I do that shit on the reg!" That's why I am so popular, cool, and awesome because I do things on the reg.

BGO: A Serious Condition

Got a call from my agent today. Another book deal through the tubes. Plus the weather is great in Tally. Just raining everyday, cold, sopping wet in class. Just totally fun. I got a B+ on my math test today then I got back to my dorm a crashed hard and forgot to finish my math homework. Woke up at 8:30, a half an hour too late to submit it online. Fuck. Well this isn't all bad. I've got a mound of busy work to finish over the next couple days, but some very interesting things have started happening.

1. Last night I was messaged by a girl that I had seemingly never met. She told me I was cute and we hit it off. She is H-O double T hott, and I plan on hanging out with her later this week. Maybe more....
2. Girls have started coming out of the woodwork since this blog started blowing up. I'm not sure what to do. This is really getting out of hand. I woke up last night and there was a girl standing next to my bed just starring at me. I looked down and my underwear had been removed. I looked back up and she was holding them. I was frightened.

Right now I might be facing a serious problem. Something known only as BGO or Baby Girl Overload. This syndrome occurs when a guy has more girls than he can handle and then ends up fucking things up with all of them. BGO is a dangerous phenomenon, and can really make you feel like shit. Sometimes BGO catches you off gaurd, I think that is what is happening right now. I mean two days ago I was basically a fucking unich, and now I'm like Jesus, fucking all the Marys and doing keg stands with demons and shit. The difference is Jesus could handle that shit, and I am a mere mortal. One time I had a bad case of BGO and I wasn't able to cure it in time. If that happens you are looking at something I like to call BGW or Baby Girl Withdrawals. This is a dangerous phase because it can be accompanied by a serious depression. In my case, though, my penis usually just explodes.

Red Beard: The Boy With the Burning Beard

How drunk is too drunk? Let me tell you!

1. On the second night you're on campus you get so wasted that I have to fireman carry you up five flights of stairs to get your drunk ass back to your room.
2. You are too drunk to remember that you have acid reflux, so you shotgun a Mountain Dew and end up boking in my bed.
3. You get lost on campus and call me to come find you. Then after I have gone out of my way to get you, you slam the door in my face and fuck my pledge brother again!
4. You wake up the morning after and your room smells like shit.
5. You wake up the morning after and your dick is colored red, and you have a thong drawn on your ass.
6. You wake up and you are sleeping in your suite-mates bed.
7. Someone asks if you have ever lit your beard on fire and you say, "No, but do you want to try." (Seriously Patrick's beard being lit on fire was possibly the greatest thing I have ever seen.)

Well thats a couple signs that you may be too drunk. In all seriousness though, if your that drunk you won't remember it anyway. So have fun!

Sometimes My Life Sucks

So far my time in college has been marked by some pretty crazy shit. Yes college is a lot of fun, but alas not for everyone. Yesterday, my friend told me he is dropping out after one semester and he has already enlisted in the infantry. He will be on the front lines in Afghanistan sometime in 2010. I hope he kicks a lot of ass over there. Still, that is not the point of this entry. No, a lot of people come to college and think, "hey I'll study maybe get my balls licked on the weekends, and it'll be great." Well my friends, this is not at all the case. Who would have thought that getting with girls in college actually takes work.

Today I found out that the older girl said, "I would get with him (me) maybe if I was drunk and on like a million drugs." Hmm, that gives me an idea. No, but seriously this setback is just that, a setback. Now while I do not plan on giving her drugs or alcohol in order to get with her, I do still plan on getting with her. It will not be easy, but I am the kind of guy that likes a challenge. So now I'm listening to Eric Clapton's Have You Ever Loved a Woman and I am asking myself that exact question.

I was actually thinking about this sometime earlier today, and again at the Chinese buffet tonight. I think I did love a girl once, but she broke my young heart. I think you know that you love someone when you do dumb things, and feel like you can open yourself up to them. Loving someone is tough especially when they don't love you back. I opened myself to this girl, and she left me because she didn't feel the same way. Ever since then I have been very hesitant to go down that road again. Now my journey with the opposite sex is marked by one thing: sex. Seems like girls these days aren't looking for a good loving guy anymore. Especially on a college campus they are just looking to have a good time. Don't get me wrong I am too. Maybe its just this cold weather, but every year around this time I get the feeling that I am missing something. It seems to me that that something that is missing is a woman who loves me. Thats something right?

I don't know. I know I love to have sex, and maybe thats all there is anymore. I just need a hand to hold onto every once in a while. It's kind of depressing. Ah this is becoming a depressing blog. Fuck!

Okay well I'll spice this post up a little bit if you haven't already stopped reading. So I'll tell you a story. One night I was DDing for the fraternity, and I was stopping by the house in between rides just to see how everything was going. A couple girls I know had hit me up to see if there was a party at the house that night, and of course there was. One of these girls I had been trying to get with for a while, and she ended up going upstair s and getting massively drunk. Every time I came back to the house she would say things like, "Come and play with me. Why won't you play with me?" In the kind of voice that is basically begging me to fuck her. Unfortunately, the brothers came first and as I continued driving, I continued to miss out. By the time I got back homegirl was wasted, and while I was parking the car I saw her walking out of the house arm in arm with one of my pledge brothers. I thought to myself, "FUCK ME." I knew exactly what was going to happen, and sure enough the next day I found out that I was right.

Homegirl had fucked my pledge brother, and it could have been me...

Damn it this story was depressing too. Maybe it wouldn't been so depressing if I had ended up pounding her, but that wasn't what ended up happening. Damn sometimes my life sucks. I can't remember, but I probably ended up masturbating that night so I guess thats half as good.